


What You Wish For

by starvinbohemian



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Psychological Horror
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-11
Updated: 2013-03-23
Packaged: 2017-11-09 14:58:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/456790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starvinbohemian/pseuds/starvinbohemian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>"Drown not thyself to save a drowning man."</em> Aaroniero really was Kaien. Rukia comes to terms with what it would have meant for Kaien to be alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, y'all, somebody had to write it. I've waited years since Chapter 266, and no one else (that I know of) has attempted the big, epic AU what-if of Aaroniero actually being Kaien.

### Part I: Plunge

_"Drown not thyself to save a drowning man."_

— Proverb.

                                                                                               &                                                                            

                                                                                                                              “ _This is the last time I'll abandon you_

                                                                                                                                  _And this is the last time I'll forget you  
                                                                                                                                      I wish I could_.”

                                                                                                                                          — “Stockholm Syndrome” by Muse.

  


            Hanging in the air, suspended and impaled by the triton, Rukia knows she has finally come to the end of the line. 

            She’s lost. It’s over. That horrible laughter— a perversion of what was once a joyful sound— fills her ears as everything else begins to blur. She’s failed…

            _ So sorry… Kaien-dono… Inoue… _

             Just when her thoughts and her body start slipping away, when she can almost feel the breeze at Mt. Koifushi where she once trained with Kaien-dono, she hears—

            _ Kuchiki _ ?

             The voice sounds as if it is coming from far away, but it is familiar. Is that…? 

            “Kuchiki?” asks a much closer voice. “Kuch— _Rukia_?”

            Kaien… dono?

            Rukia screams as the sudden wrenching of the triton sends a white sear through her body. She’s panting through the pain when, suddenly, there are hands on her face. Large, warm hands cupping her cheeks. It takes several slow blinks of her eyes before Kaien-dono’s— no, _Aaroniero Arulueri’s_ face comes into focus above her. He looks frightened. Strange that he should…

            “Kuchiki, don’t die,” he pleads. “I’m sorry. I’m _so_ sorry. _Please_ …” 

            Trapped somewhere between here and away, Rukia stares at him in complete bewilderment. He _sounds_ like Kaien-dono, but he _isn’t_ — he _said_ …

            Aaroniero starts rocking back and forth, and she realizes that he’s cradling her body against his chest as if she were a small child. That’s how he made her feel once, like an awkward child. The heat of him bleeds through the fabric of his strange outfit and feels strange against her face. Aaroniero should not feel warm. Monsters should be cold.

             The wrenching she felt must have been the removal of the triton from her abdomen because one of his hands is pressed against the open wound. He’s distracted with murmuring apologies into her hair, and she realizes somewhere in her mind that this would be an opportune moment for a surprise attack. He wouldn’t see _shirafune_ coming. If she could only lift her hand… 

             But she can’t. Her arm lacks the strength.

            Without warning, Aaroniero suddenly hurls her body from him. She lands on the hard ground, the momentum rolling her onto her side with a pained grunt. 

            Clutching his head in his hands, he stumbles up and away from her. His hands are stained red with her blood. “No,” he moans. “No, no, no…”

            It takes all of Rukia’s remaining strength to turn her head so that she can watch Aaroniero struggle with some invisible foe. “You’re _mine_!” he roars, and at first she thinks he’s speaking to her. But then he says, in a different voice, “No, I won’t let you hurt her!”

            What…? Who is he talking to?

            He makes an abrupt lunge at her, grabs a painful fistful of her hair, and hisses, “ _Bitch_ , _I’m going to tear you apart_!”

             She’s too bewildered at this point to be afraid. He recoils again. The lack of grip holding her head up means that her head falls, neck boneless, back to the ground, where it smacks against a block of her own ice. Ow. 

             “Noooo…” Aaroniero wails. 

            The espada has clearly lost his mind. This should concern her, but it’s hard to focus on that when she’s sinking down within herself, the pain draining away to only a memory. She can feel the brush of wind on her face, and Kaien-dono is calling. He’s waiting for her. But Kaien-dono is also leaning over her, saying in that beloved voice, “Kuchiki, are you all right?” 

             When she only stares back at him, he adds, “Kuchiki, it’s _me_!”

            But it can’t be…

             He places his hands over the tear in her robes and immediately starts transferring healing _kidou_ into her wound. Sensations slowly begin trickling back into her body. Confused, she watches his focused expression as he works. Aaroniero has no reason to heal her when he clearly wants her dead. But Kaien-dono… Could this really be him?

            She has the strength now to lift her arm, and she reaches without really thinking toward his face. At the touch of her hand, his eyes slide closed. He feels real. But he felt real when he placed his hand on her head and told her to kill her friends, too.

            Rukia is still touching his face when his eyes fly open in alarm. With a groan, he ducks away from her searching fingers and out of her line of sight. Gritting her teeth, Rukia struggles up onto her elbows and sees that he’s thrown himself against a wall. Curled in on himself, he cries in a pitiful voice, “You said it, didn’t you? If I followed you, I would be released from all this pain? I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! Aizen-sama!”

            “Kaien-dono?” she tries hesitantly.

             His gaze shoots toward her. He stares with feverish eyes for a moment before nodding slowly. “Y-yes. I’m Kaien Shiba.” He doesn’t sound so sure. 

             Just as quickly as sanity arrives, it disappears again. He slams his head against the stone wall and releases a blood-curdling scream that makes Rukia want to cover her ears. Eyes rolling back in his head, he slumps to the floor like a marionette whose strings have been cut. 

             Can it be? Is there still hope? Does she even dare to dream?

             She waits several minutes for signs of life. He doesn’t move. Her healing isn’t complete, but Rukia finds the strength to crawl—well, _pull_ herself really— toward the still figure. It’s a struggle, but she couldn’t stay away now even if she wanted to. Not if Kaien-dono really is in there somewhere.

            Panting, she forces herself up into a sitting position against the wall. With only the slightest hesitation, she tugs his head into her lap. The effort costs her all remaining energy, and she sags heavily. They stay as they are for what feels like a long time. She’s almost fallen asleep when he finally stirs.

            “Kuchiki?”

            “Yes,” she says, relieved. “Are you really Kaien-dono?”

            He smiles at her, big and goofy, and it is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen. “Yeah, it’s me.”

            She believes him.

*   *   *

            Rukia is surprised to see Byakuya and Hanatarou coming to her rescue, but it’s nothing compared to their surprise at finding her with Kaien.

            White as a sheet, Hanatarou sees to their healing. His eyes dart nervously between her and Kaien, possibly afraid that he will strike at any moment. Niisama, already composed after the initial shock, goes on ahead of them. He does glance at her briefly as he passes. Rukia has no idea what her expression reveals. Her mind has been shocked into a white blank. Niisama, of course, gives her no clue. All that matters is Aaroniero— _Kaien_ — seems to have temporarily gotten a hold of himself. Maybe a little too much, since he’s already cracking jokes at their expense.

            “You brought me back, Kuchiki.,” he says cheerfully. “I knew there was a reason you were my favorite! Took your time, though. I was getting real tired of those espada tea parties.” No one laughs. Kaien makes a face. “Geez, what’s with you guys? Is there something on my face?”

             Rukia has to turn her head away so they won’t see her eyes well up with tears at hearing that corny sense of humor again.

            Everything after that goes by in something of a blur. By the time the three of them manage to catch up with everyone else, Renji and Chad are already fighting the exequias. She misses Ichigo by mere moments— traces of his reiatsu still linger in the air— but there isn’t time to worry about him because she has to fight.  

            With Kaien’s help, they make quick work of the remaining exequias. Chad takes Kaien’s presence among them in stride, but then he has no reason to marvel over the return of a man he has never heard of before. 

             Renji, more appropriately, looks as if he’s seen a ghost. But there isn’t much time to explain before Yammy shows up. It’s just as well because Rukia has no idea how to explain this. Kaien died, except he didn’t die, except he was eaten by an espada, except he still exists inside that espada, except, except, except… 

            Either because he isn’t completely back to form after their battle or else due to his reluctance to fight one of his comrades, Kaien gives them a chance at taking down Yammy on their own. He watches them with a strangely blank expression. 

             The wave of nostalgia from fighting in front of him again almost takes her down before Yammy does. 

             She’s certainly too distracted for a fight on this level— she’s always found Kaien too distracting on the battlefield— and it soon becomes apparent that Espada 0 is too much for even the three of them. 

             Kaien waits until Yammy has her trapped in a giant fist before he finally acts. Nejibana slices neatly through Yammy’s thigh, though the injury hardly seems to faze him.

            “Finally lost it, Number 9?” Yammy laughs. “Or…” His giant eyes swing toward her, and Rukia barely has time to realize the threat before she’s being hurled, head-first, toward the ground. The wave of power works like quicksand against her. She can’t get her balance or pull out of the spin in time. She squeezes her eyes shut in preparation for a collision with the ground… 

             … that never comes.

            A strong arm comes out of nowhere, wraps around her waist, and then she’s deposited safely on the ground. When the sand clears, she sees her rescuer.

            Ichigo.

            The sight of him, alive and well and _here_ , threatens to break her. In a moment of insanity, she forgets Yammy and almost spills out everything to this boy. More than anything, she wants to tell him about everything that’s happened since she last saw him. How she almost died by a turn of the karmic circle, how Kaien-dono has come back to her, and about how this changes everything. It feels strangely important that he know how close she came to death.

             “Why… are you alone?” she asks instead. “Weren’t you supposed to save Inoue?”

             The look he gives her freezes her heart. “I did,” he says after a long pause. “She’s healing Ishida on the roof right now. They’ll be fine.”

             Why doesn’t she believe him? “Ichi—”

             “Rukia, stay here,” he says. “I’ll just finish this up, and we can head back to the real world. I’m going to put an end to this stupid fighting right now.” He moves to leap away, back toward the fighting, but she grabs his sleeve.

             “Ichigo, _look_.”

             He seems to finally realize that someone has already beaten him to Yammy. He frowns. “Who’s that?”

             Where to begin?

             Thankfully, the captains arrive just then and everything speeds up again. 

            Ichigo gets sent back to Karakura, and she stays behind. 

             She watches him disappear with Unohana through the crack in the world with some trepidation. Ichigo is Soul Society’s only hope against Aizen? She watched Aizen cut him down while barely lifting a finger. The fact that they’re sending this sixteen-year-old boy out to the front lines would be worrying enough, but Rukia saw something in Ichigo’s eyes which suggests that this is only the beginning.

            What exactly happened up there on the dome? Those eyes… aren’t the eyes of a victor. They aren’t the eyes of someone preparing themselves to kill an enemy either. What happened? _What happened to you, Ichigo?_

             She’ll wonder later if she shouldn’t have volunteered to accompany him. She doesn’t because she’s learned the hard way that she has to trust Ichigo to take care of himself. The burden of victory always seems to fall to him, no matter how much she might wish otherwise. And she does.

             And, of course, there’s another reason…

             “Just because Shiba’s back from the dead doesn’t mean he gets to have all the fun,” Kenpachi cries with a manic laugh just before he plunges into the fray.          

            Everyone seems to be taking Kaien’s reappearance in stride, and Rukia feels like the only one whose world hasn’t stopped spinning since Aaroniero took off his mask. She takes a shaky breath.

             Ever serene, Byakuya watches the fight from beside her. He doesn’t place his hand on her shoulder or anything similar, but she feels comforted just having him there.

            When he speaks, he betrays no emotion. “He believes he is Kaien Shiba.”

             Rukia curls her hands into fists to hide their shaking. “Yes, Niisama.”

             “His reiatsu feels like Kaien Shiba’s.”

             “Yes,” she whispers.

             He does, he is, he isn’t— she doesn’t know. Rukia doesn’t know anything right now except that she cannot leave. Her gaze remains fixed on Kaien, still fighting with Yammy, as if he will disappear if she looks away. He uses some familiar moves and some not. It is only her injuries that keep her in place. She held herself back from helping him once before— did it again with Ichigo— but right now she feels more worn down than fortified by experience.

             What if he dies again? She violently shakes the thought off. No. Never again. Not on her watch. Shaken as she is from the last few hours, she does not think she could stand one more loss. Not today.

            _Please, don’t die… _

            There is a huge, epic battle taking place on the other side of the wall, with Ichigo right at the center. Rukia has her own war to contend with now that involves making sure she never has to bury Kaien Shiba ever again.

*   *   *

            Aizen escapes. Again. She is starting to wonder if he always will. But the battles are over for the time being, and they can finally leave Hueco Mundo. 

             Rukia takes Kaien home.

            There has not been a single day since she murdered him that Rukia has not desperately wished for this opportunity, the opportunity to bring him home, alive and well, to make up for the time she delivered his corpse. 

            It goes without saying that Kuukaku and Ganju are overjoyed. 

            Once the shock clears, there is screaming and laughing and crying. Kaien appears overwhelmed by it all, almost standoffish even. His siblings do not seem to notice. They were both children the last time he saw them. Now, they are grown, they are loud, they are strong, and they are all over him. Kaien awkwardly pats their backs as they cling to him. Rukia does not blame him for his discomfort. It has been years. Long, traumatic years. She shudders.

             News of his resurrection spreads fast. Poor Ukitake, barely healed from an arrancar’s fist through his chest— a condition Rukia empathizes with— comes as soon as he is able. One glance at Ukitake’s face as he looks upon Kaien for the first time in decades, and Rukia has to quickly direct her stare at the floor instead. It’s too much.

             She hears her captain whisper to Kaien as they embrace, “My friend.”

             Their quiet reunion is short-lived because Sentarou and Kiyone arrive next. “Kaien-sama! Kaien-sama!” they chorus like manic monkeys. Kaien is right to look genuinely terrified when they pounce on him. When they actually knock him to the floor with their antics, Rukia considers attempting a rescue. 

             But then she sees something that makes her stop. 

             Kaien is smiling. His first real smile of the night.

             Kaien pries Sentarou’s arm from around his neck and yells, “Gah! You idiots! You haven’t changed at all!”

             “Never, Kaien-sama!”

             “Never ever!”

             More people arrive. Many of them are unfamiliar to her, possibly because they are from before her time or else from parts of his life that are inaccessible to her. 

             Soon, it becomes a full-blown party. The sake flows. Kuukaku breaks out the fireworks, and the sky stays aflame all night. There is a rotation occurring between people who want to cry all over Kaien and those who just want to touch him. They push sake into his hand and clasp his shoulders.

             Amidst all the uninhibited emotion, Rukia feels embarrassed and out of place. She tries to partake in the sake like everyone else, but her hands are trembling so bad she can barely keep from dropping the cup. She gives up before anyone can notice. 

             Eventually, she tries to politely excuse herself. Kaien’s hand clasps around her wrist just as she stands to leave. Rukia is taken off guard by the desperate look he gives her, but she calmly settles back beside him.

             “Kaien-dono?”

             “Don’t go,” he pleads under his breath.

             Touched and concerned, she says, “All right.” She won’t leave as long as he needs her. But it is hard.

             Rukia manages to hold out until Kuukaku drags Kaien away to view the fireworks and she is left alone— for all of a second. The last straw comes when Ganju suddenly attacks her from behind. There is a flare of panic before she realizes it is a hug. His big arms are squeezing the life out of her as he tearfully whispers, “Thank you, Kuchiki-san.”

             She has to leave. Now.

             By the time she makes it back to the Kuchiki mansion, her whole body is trembling. Her body has been moving on autopilot since this all began, but she is officially running on empty. She can’t remember the last time she slept. Certainly not since before going to Hueco Mundo. 

             In her bedroom, she is finally alone. As soon as the shoji screen slides closed, her legs give out and she sinks to the floor. 

             He’s home. She brought him home.

             Rukia bows her head and weeps.

*   *   *


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you don't sleep, then you can't wake up.

          The thing is that she's had this dream before.

          The one where she gets to fix everything because Kaien-dono never died, not really. The one where she gets to trade in the unenviable role of villain for the crispy clean one of _hero_ because she's saved him instead of killed him. Because maybe they missed something, somehow, maybe Captain Mayuri has invented something new that can cheat death just this once, oh, please, just this once— the possible scenarios go on and on because she has had _decades_ to wish and wish.

          Decades? How, when it feels like just yesterday (every day)...?

          And it's happened. Kaien is alive, she's brought him home, and...

          It's too good to be true.

          She doesn't want to believe it's a lie— no, no, no— but they charged into Hueco Mundo to take down Aizen. Aizen, who is a master of hypnosis, who knows all the dirty little places of their hearts. He should since he _put_ so many of them there. Could this be an illusion? Even though Aizen is (presumably) nowhere near? What could offer a better distraction for an escape attempt than a resurrected beloved comrade?         

          Kaien felt real. When his head was in her lap— when he was running her through with Nejibana— he had felt very, very real. But if not an illusion, then..

          No. It can't be a dream or an illusion because waking up now would be unbearable, unthinkable...

          ... and maybe that's the point?

          The only way she can be sure that this time isn't a dream is to never sleep. If you don't sleep, then you can't wake up.

          When Niisama finally returns— from an emergency captain's meeting, she'll learn later— he finds her still on the floor of her bedroom.

          She lifts vacant eyes to his stoic expression. "He's alive?" she asks. "He really did come back?"

          Maybe he hears the plea in her voice, because Niisama closes his eyes and turns his face away from her.

          "Yes, Rukia," he tells her. To his credit, he doesn't acknowledge the sob that erupts from her throat. "Kaien Shiba is alive."

          If Byakuya believes it, then he must be.

*   *   *

          ...

          ... now what?

*   *   *

 

          “Aw, what do you mean he isn’t coming back?” Kiyone whines.

“He isn’t ready,” Captain explains. “He still needs time to readjust.”  
  
          Ukitake has made several visits to the Shiba house since they have returned to Soul Society, while Rukia has been much too busy so far to make the trip. Some days, he comes back looking troubled.  


Sentarou makes a rude comment, which provokes Kiyone to start beating on him. Ukitake sighs, but Rukia has never had better cause to be grateful for their ridiculous behavior. It’s better if they’re too distracted to ask the more complicated questions.  
  
          Because what Captain doesn’t tell them is that Soul Society doesn’t know what to do with Kaien. He can’t just pick up where he left off. Technically, he isn’t a shinigami anymore. Kaien has tenuous control of the body he shares with the hollow that devoured him, but the argument could be made that the body isn’t even his. His reiatsu reads like Kaien’s, but Mayuri insists that it’s hollow.   
  
          Rukia knows all this because she spent hours the previous day being drilled by the captains. She had to recount everything that happened both on the night when Kaien first became possessed by the hollow, Metastasia, and then later during the Aaroniero fight— multiple times. As far as she could tell, that painful exercise led to absolutely no answers, leaving them right back where they started.  
  
          “I need _more_ _data_ ,” Mayuri insists. “Just let me _study_ him for a while longer and then I can give you answers!” The barely contained fervor in his eyes makes Rukia cringe. She can too easily imagine Kaien being strapped to a table in his demonic lab.  
  
          “If he is hollow, then Captain Mayuri should study him,” Soi Fon interjects dispassionately.  
  
          Hollows aren’t allowed in Soul Society, but Kaien isn’t… Well, he isn’t _technically_ …   
  
          Thankfully, Ukitake predictably comes to Kaien’s defense. “Kaien Shiba has been through enough,” he says with a firmness Rukia has rarely seen from him. Shunsui pats his shoulder sympathetically. “We should make sure of his psychological recovery before we force him to submit to invasive tests.”  
  
          “But is it safe to let him wander around?” Hitsugaya wants to know.   
  
          Several sets of eyes turn back to her.   
  
          Shunsui at least looks apologetic when he says, “Maybe if Rukia-chan could tell us just once more…?”  
  
          Rukia rubs tiredly at her temples to ward off the impending headache.  
  
          The issue of coming back to work is the least of Kaien’s problems.  
  
  


***  
  


          Kaien has been home for a week, and Rukia hasn’t slept a full night since. Every time she starts to drift off, she feels the sting of Nejibana piercing her abdomen. Or she hears Aaroniero’s cruel laughter.  
  
          After he catches her nodding off at her desk, Ukitake finally orders her home for some proper rest. Embarrassed, she complies. 

          The sky has been dark for hours, and her shift has technically ended, but Rukia doesn’t want to go home. Home means staring up at the ceiling above her bed and praying for dreamless sleep (or no sleep at all). But she can't do that forever.  
  
          She takes the long way back to the Kuchiki mansion. Her path eventually detours her down by the river. A familiar patch of grass gives her pause.  
  
 _           You probably won’t tell me if I ask you why you look so troubled, but… Remember that as long as you’re in my division, I will stand by you even if I die. _  
  
          Her eyes slide shut as a familiar wave of pain rolls over her. This pain is an old friend. Knowing what she does now doesn’t erase all the years she suffered in ignorance while he was much closer than she ever knew. She won’t ever get those years back. Kaien is alive, but standing here now and casting her mind backwards, Rukia can still feel the rain that poured on them while his blood, hot and sticky, spread between them.  
  
 _           Kill it! Kuchiki, kill it! _  
  
          Her hands clench into fists at her sides as Ukitake’s voice rings unbearably clear in her mind.   
  
_           Kill it! Kill it! _  
  
          “Kuchiki?”  
  
          Rukia’s eyes snap open at the unexpected voice. 

          There's a dark figure standing near the mouth of the woods. She instinctively tenses when she realizes that she never sensed anyone. But almost as soon as she has the thought, a familiar reiatsu pricks her.  
  
          She squints into the darkness. “Kaien-dono?”  
  
          He comes forward slowly, lumbering strangely. The shadows cast by the trees hide him from view, but the moon is bright tonight. He hesitates at the edge of the shadows, not coming any closer. Even from several feet away, she can see that he’s panting and holding his right side protectively. Rukia feels a spike of alarm at the thought of him being injured.  
  
          “Are you all right, Kaien-dono?” she asks, rushing forward.  
  
          “ _Don’t_ ,” he snaps, holding out a hand to ward her off.   
  
          She freezes, not because of his words, but because she’s seen something that turns her legs to lead.   
  
          There’s blood on his hands.   
  
          The hand he holds out toward her is stained red. Bloody knuckles grip an unnaturally crimson sword. Rukia stares in horror as her worst nightmare comes staggering toward her.  
  
          “Kaien… dono?” she whispers.  
  
          “Don’t… go back there.”  
  
          Eyes trained on his bloody hands, she hears her own voice as if someone else is speaking from far away. “Why not, Kaien-dono?”  
  
          “I… killed a hollow back there.”  
  
          “A… hollow?” She never sensed a hollow. Why is he alone out here? He's supposed to be safely recuperating at the Shiba home with his family.  
  
          Realizing that she isn’t coming closer, he visibly relaxes and takes a stab at levity. “Yeah, the bastard almost got the better of me.” He laughs uneasily and rubs the back of his head, which should feel reminiscent of his old self except the image is ruined by the fact that he’s getting blood in his hair.  
  
          “It was pretty gruesome, but not too much for me, of course,” he says with false bravado belied by his lack of breath and anxious expression. “You really don’t want to see what’s left of it, Kuchiki.”  
  
          The combination of thick trees and shadowed darkness conceals the hollow’s body from her, but she isn’t so much concerned with the hollow as she is by Kaien’s visible distress. “You’re hurt,” she says.  
  
          He glances down at his stained hands with some surprise. “Ah, no. It looks worse than it is.”  
  
          She shakes her head in disbelief. Even back when she first met him, he never worried about himself, too concerned with other people first. They would find out about broken bones and lacerations after everyone else has already been healed. This reckless behavior drove her crazy then, and apparently still drives her crazy now.   
  
          Rukia ignores him when he tenses at her sudden approach. She grabs his hand.   
  
          “Kuchiki—”  
  
          “Just let me see, Kaien-dono." There’s too much blood for her to be able to tell where or how he’s hurt. She frowns. “We should go to the fourth division.”  
  
          Her words provoke an unexpectedly violent response. Wrenching away from her, Kaien yells, “No!”  
  
          Shocked, she stares at him. “But…”  
  
          “I’m sick and tired of being examined like some kind of insect!”  
  
          She’s suddenly grateful he doesn’t know about Mayuri’s eagerness to study him. “Kaien-dono, you are _hurt_ ,” she says firmly.  
  
          “I don’t care!”  
  
          Is he serious? Frustrated, she says, “Will you at least let _me_ heal you, Kaien-dono? Please?”  
  
          “That isn’t—”  
  
          “Please?”  
  
          He sighs at the stubborn look on her face. “Fine, fine. Whatever.”   
  
          She does some quick thinking and decides that she’ll need some basic supplies from division headquarters. “Will you wait here?” she asks, suddenly worried that he won’t be here when she gets back. “While I get some things?”  
  
          “Geez, all right. I’m not going anywhere,” he mutters. “Just go.”  
  
          Not taking any chances, Rukia darts into shunpo. She goes directly to the emergency medical supplies cupboard, gathering up as many things as she can carry. Carrying a bowl of water while in shunpo would be impractical, so she wets several washcloths before rushing back to the clearing.  
  
          True to his word, Kaien is still there, waiting. He’s sitting, cross-legged, with Nejibana stabbed into the ground near his side. 

          Kaien’s head hangs low on his chest, but his neck snaps up at her approach. He rolls his eyes at her when he sees all the supplies. “Kuchiki, I told you—”  
  
          “I know, Kaien-dono,” she soothes even as she takes his hand for cleaning. Careful not to hurt him, she runs the wet cloth gently over each digit, down to his palm and back up again. She’ll use kidou on the wounds once she finds them. Kaien watches her work, silent for once. Why is he out here?  
  
 _Strange_ , she thinks when she realizes that none of the blood on his hands seems to be his. She wonders if the blood all over his civilian clothing— so strange to see on him— is his or not. There are clear claw marks on his bicep, though they appear much smaller than she would expect from a hollow capable of causing this much trouble for him.  
  
          She glances up to ask him about it, but the words disappear when she sees the intense expression he has trained on her. His eyes, even greener than she remembers, are bright with suppressed emotion; their effect is all the more arresting at this proximity. Rukia suddenly realizes how close they’re sitting to one another. If she were only to lean a bit more forward, their noses would graze. She flushes before she can stop herself.  
  
          “Kaien-dono?”  
  
          Her voice breaks whatever spell he’s under, and he drops his eyes to their joined hands. She feels an improper urge to trace that unhappy mouth with her fingers. She would curl the corners up into a smile. A man like Kaien should never look so despondent. She wishes she were the type to tell jokes, but cheesy humor has always been _his_ staple.  
  
          “I haven’t seen you since we first got here,” he says suddenly.  
  
          Rukia is surprised he’s noticed with so many people around him. “Yes. It has been a very… busy few days.” Just saying this reminds her of how tired she really feels.  
  
          “Where have you been?” he demands. She would call his tone accusing except… Why?  
  
          “Meetings,” she says, baffled. “Work. Why do you ask?”  
  
          Kaien laughs bitterly. “Work, huh? Me, too,” he says, indicating to his blood-stained clothes. He’s angry, but she doesn’t know why.  
  
          Wary of his mood, she focuses on summoning up her kidou to heal the marks on his arm. “You should not be fighting hollows alone, Kaien-dono,” she says, failing to sound as if she’s not lecturing him. But what is he thinking, coming out here alone, at night, to challenge hollows without any backup? Especially now, when he is still… as he is. If she had done the same thing, he would have beaten her over the head for behaving so foolishly.   
  
          “You giving me orders now?”  
  
          “Of course not,” she says easily. “Please lie back, Kaien-dono.” It would be easier to heal him if he were bare-chested, but she doesn’t ask him to disrobe. He should be healed professionally by the fourth division. But since he won’t go, he’s going to have to settle for her mediocre kidou skills.  
  
          With a long-suffering sigh, he obeys. Rukia raises her hands over the cut in his side but gets no further as she’s struck by a sickening wave of déjà vu. The slash in his side is worse than he let on. Through the tatters of his yukata, she can see torn flesh. And blood. His blood.  
  
          Realizing that she’s shaking, she lowers her hands and stares at them in dismay. Rukia knows now in this moment that she will _never_ be free of that night. Her hands will never be clean. No, not even now, with Kaien before her. In a strange way, it’s kind of a relief to know.  
  
 _I am Shiba Kaien… My spirit body merged with a hollow and now I’m in Hueco Mundo. And you… you’re Rukia Kuchiki. The woman that killed me with her own hands._  
  
          She looks at Kaien. He knows. Somehow, he knows exactly what she’s thinking.  
  
          He smiles without humor. “There’s blood between us, Rukia Kuchiki. Don’t you think that’s romantic?”  
  
          Stricken, she gapes at him. Is he… can he be…?  
  
 _Is there something strange about_ me _wanting to kill_ you _? You haven’t forgotten, have you?_  
  
          The horrible things Aaroniero said— she could blame those on the hollow. But this is Kaien-dono. Is he admitting that he blames her?  
  
          He sits up so suddenly that Rukia instinctively lurches back. Kaien catches her arms and roughly tugs her forward. He forces one of her hands onto his torn side and then holds the bloody hand up before her face. “Nostalgic, isn’t it?” he says cheerfully. His mouth stretches into a horrible grin. A familiar grin.  
  
          Rukia screams— she can’t help it.  
  
          Her worst nightmare laughs— a shrill, hideous sound. “Did you miss me, little girl?”  
  
 _No, no, no_ , she thinks as her hysteria mounts. This can’t be right! Kaien-dono came back! This isn’t—  
  
          The monster with Kaien’s face licks a slick trail up her neck, and Rukia shudders through her whole body. When she struggles to get away, his grip only tightens on her wrists. She can’t reach her zanpaktou or perform incantations like this. 

          She’s about to head-butt him out of desperation when, just as suddenly, she’s shoved back.   
  
          Panting with fear and adrenaline, she watches him scramble away from her. When he disappears back into the darkness, there’s only a second of hesitation and then Rukia leaps to her feet and follows. She can’t explain why she follows him, but something tells her she shouldn’t allow him out of her sight. 

          Thankfully, he hasn’t gone far. She finds him beneath a tree, curled in on himself like a wounded animal.  
  
          She’s still terribly, shamefully afraid when she whispers, “Kaien-dono?”  
  
          “Stay away from me, Kuchiki!” At least he sounds frightened, too, and she gains some courage from this.  
  
          “You have to fight the hollow,” she says with more confidence. “Kaien-dono, _fight_!”   
  
          He giggles hysterically, and for a terrifying moment she thinks he’s receded into the hollow again. But when he raises his face toward her, she sees that the laughter comes from pain.   
  
          She would have given anything for him not to say what he did next. “Kuchiki, I _am_ the hollow!” he exclaims, arms spread wide. “Fuck, I’m _all_ the hollows I’ve eaten!”  
  
          No, that wouldn’t be fair. For him to come back only to… _no_. She can’t accept that. “But… You remember your life as Kaien-dono!”  
  
          “I remember _you_!”  
  
          A hole opens up in the world, and Rukia feels herself begin to drain away.  
  
          “But… Your family…”  
  
          Kaien looks so miserable as he says, “Strangers. Sometimes. I don’t know. _I_ _don’t know_! I recognize them, but I don’t feel… They want— and I can’t— I just… And you _left_ me with them!”  
  
          What should she do? Should she apologize for returning him to his family, the people who have missed him most? Should she apologize for underestimating his discomfort the night of his impromptu coming home celebration? Should she apologize for both killing and _not_ killing him?  
  
          Kaien tugs at his hair with evident frustration. “It’s all so mixed up! The memories are all mixed up.”  
  
          He told her he had consumed thousands of hollows. _Thousands_. Rukia’s legs give up on her, and she crumbles to her knees. She watches Kaien crawl toward her through a veil of encroaching numbness. Her big, valiant vice-captain tugs at her sleeve with his bloody hands like a child pleading with his mother.  
  
          “Who am I? Kuchiki, _please_! Tell me who I am! I _need to know_ who I am!”  
  
          Kaien’s head drops into her lap, and he sobs. Her hands run comforting patterns through his hair, but Rukia’s mind is a thousand miles away as she stares out into the darkness.

 

*   *   *

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is he dangerous?"

          In the woods, they find a body.

          The investigative team has a difficult time explaining how a hollow could have gotten into Seireitei.

          Rukia has a hard time explaining how Kaien could have killed the hollow without realizing he was interrupting an attack. When she asks, Kaien just shrugs. "Sorry," he says, sheepish. "But I don't know any more than you. At least the hollow was stopped before it could hurt more people, right?" Kiyone and Sentarou saw him home before the investigative team arrived, though they will undoubtedly visit to ask him in person.

          The girl has been torn to pieces and rendered unidentifiable. After inquiries into whom never shows up for duty that day, they eventually discover that she’s a new member of the fourth division. A newbie. Barely out of the academy and no match for whatever hollow attacked her.

          There's no excuse for this. Rukia was there— _right_ there— and she never sensed anything while this battle apparently occurred mere feet away from her. She didn't even sense Kaien until she was right on top of him. How? She can’t explain it.

          She keeps waiting for the justified reprimand, but Ukitake never brings it up. “Perhaps the hollow had some kind of reiatsu-repressing ability,” he suggests.

          The investigator from the second division seems skeptical, but any other theory can only meet a dead end. The hollow in question, or whatever was left of it after Kaien killed it, has long since disintegrated, leaving no trace or method of finding out what abilities it might or might not have possessed.

          Ukitake mistakes her gloomy demeanor for guilt over not being able to save the girl. “Kuchiki, it wasn’t your fault,” he consoles her as soon as the investigator is out of earshot.

          While that is debatable, Rukia finds herself more concerned with her decision not to tell her captain about what Kaien confided in her. She had no choice but to make a report on the hollow, but she can’t bring herself to tell anyone that Kaien is… She can’t even bring herself to think about what he is, and the idea that he might be taken away out of some overzealous sense of caution stills her tongue. Ukitake might be compelled to relay her information to the higher ups. She doesn’t want to put him in that position.

          They might _misunderstand_. Of course they would. Because who else has experienced what Kaien has? To be murdered, possessed, and then resurrected only to be devoured, reborn, and still possessed by evil? Who could relate to that? She can't blame him if his sanity sometimes... _slips_ under the pressure of post-traumatic stress. Maybe he hasn't accepted it yet, but Kaien is safe now, _home_. Aaroniero is just a bad dream they all have to move past. And they _will_. Together. But she can't risk explaining the extent of it because...

          Because above all else, Kaien once promised he would stand by her no matter what, and at a time when he seemed to be the only one who would. And now Rukia has the chance to return the favor.

*   *   *

          After hours and hours of figuratively banging her head against a brick wall and then _literally_ almost walking into a very real wall, Rukia finally admits to herself that going so long without rest is probably counterproductive. She can’t remember the last time she had more than a consecutive thirty minutes of uninterrupted sleep. She just... can't.

          Unohana greets her at the fourth division with a gentle smile. “Kuchiki-san, how can I help you? Are you feeling all right?”

          Bowing respectfully, she says, “Trouble sleeping, Captain. My brother suggested I seek your assistance.” In truth, Byakuya merely made a vague comment over breakfast about the usefulness of sleeping aids. Her insomnia must have been written into the dark circles under her eyes.

          “What kind of trouble?” Unohana asks. “Are you having nightmares, Kuchiki-san?”

          Rukia hesitates, but Unohana’s kind expression encourages her to give a tactically abbreviated version of the nightmares that keep her up at night. She mentions past battles but never Kaien’s name. Unohana listens patiently until she finishes speaking, and then goes to retrieve a remedy.

          When she reaches for the proffered pills, Unohana surprises her by not letting go of the bottle. “You had a very difficult journey, Kuchiki-san,” she says, “and more emotional hardship than most shinigami ever have to face in the line of duty.”

          Rukia’s throat tightens. She says nothing.

          "Hanatarou-san mentioned that you and Kaien Shiba were involved in a battle before he found you in Hueco Mundo.”

          She can't go over it again. She simply can’t.

          Unohana must sense that Rukia is seconds away from bolting, pills or no pills, because she smiles reassuringly and pats her on the shoulder. “I only mean to say that your nightmares are nothing to be ashamed of.” She tucks the pill bottle into Rukia’s hand.

          “Thank you, Captain,” she says, only privately skeptical. Her dreams are a reflection of her sins, she knows. She wouldn’t be dreaming of Aaroniero if she hadn’t killed Kaien in the first place and allowed his spirit body to become fused with that monster. No one has ever seemed comfortable assigning her blame for this, but Rukia knows who’s responsible. She’s always known.

          Unohana offers a final warning before sending her off. “Be careful, Kuchiki-san,” she tells her. “These pills are very effective, but some people have reported having strange reactions to them. Use them sparingly, and if they cause anything other than a few nights of comfortable rest, then you must come back and tell me.”

          “I will.”

*   *   *

  
           As Kaien prepares tea for them, his movements are smooth and genteel, belying the aristocratic background he thinks he disguises with his rough demeanor.  
  
          Rukia is enjoying watching him perform this ceremony, so it’s only with a halfhearted gesture that she attempts to take the tea pot from him. “Shouldn’t you let me do that, Kaien-dono?”  
  
          “Nah,” he says. “Relax and just leave this to me.”  
  
          Well... okay. She accepts a cup. The tea is hot in her mouth, the smell comforting.  
  
          A whispering voice echoes throughout the room, bouncing from one wall to the next and passing through her ears like a soft breeze. The voice’s one-sided conversation overlaps their own but no more obtrusively than the babble of a brook or the chirping of a far-off bird. She only catches bits and pieces…  
  
          _"Hey… You probably won’t tell me if I ask you..."_  
  
          Kaien watches her from across the table.  
  
          “I... um. Where are we?”  
  
          At first, she thought, when she thought to wonder, that they were in division headquarters. Except the walls are gray here and seem to be switching in and out with a much darker color. Ukitake’s decorative pieces on the walls are incomprehensible to her, but she doesn’t think they’ve always been so.  
  
          “Eh?” He glances around as if surprised. “You don’t recognize this place? Geez, Kuchiki, it hasn’t been that long!”  
  
          And then she realizes they aren’t in a room at all. They’re in a dark, cavernous space, and there’s streams of water and patches of ice everywhere, as if an arctic balloon has just popped.  
  
          There’s someone lying, face-down, several feet away from where she and Kaien are sitting. She recognizes the shinigami uniform, but nothing else. Whomever that is, they aren’t moving, but she doesn’t think they’re dead.  
  
          “Who is that?”  
  
          Kaien shakes his head. “Kuchiki…”  
  
          “You aren’t drinking your tea, Kaien-dono.”  
  
          “What are you talking about? I’ve finished mine. See?” He turns his cup upside down and— he’s right— it’s empty. “You’ve finished yours, too.”  
  
          It’s true. Her cup is empty as well, which is strange because she’s fairly certain he only just handed her the cup. She doesn’t dwell on it.  
  
          _"What? It was a joke. If you don’t play along, I’ll look like an idiot…"_  
  
          Her gaze keeps drifting back toward the person on the ground. “Shouldn’t we help her?” Or is it a him? From where she’s sitting, it’s hard to tell.  
  
          Kaien gives her a strange look. “Do you want to help her?”  
  
          Thinking about it, she realizes, no. She doesn’t. For some reason, the idea of getting any closer to that person gives her a distinctly anxious feeling. Better to stay where she is.  
  
          _"If I ask you why you look so troubled…"_  
  
          “No,” she decides. “Is that all right?”  
  
          He shrugs. “She still has some time,” is his vague answer.  
  
          She wants to go back to Ukitake’s office. Something about this place… “I don’t like it here.”  
  
          “Good.”  
  
          “What?”  
  
          “Kuchiki,” he says, his tone grave. “It’s time to wake up.”  
  
          “What do you mean?” They are having such a nice time, so why does he look so serious?  
  
          “It’s time to wake up,” he repeats.  
  
          She does.

*   *   *

         The investigative team concludes that the girl died in the line of duty, the hollow's undetected presence in the Seireitei an anomaly.

* * *

            In the sixty-third district of Rukongai, a group of teenagers are pulling a scam on an unsuspecting water vendor.

            A girl with dark hair provides a distraction while her friends steal jugs of water right out from under the vendor’s nose. From a distance, it’s hard to tell whether she’s charming the vendor with her silly antics or else taunting him. Either way, he’s being suitably distracted as her friends move with skilled efficiency to liberate him of his wares. He’ll notice in a moment that the jugs are gone, and then he’ll likely give chase. She doesn’t expect he’ll catch them.

            A fond smile slips onto her mouth.

            “Bring back memories?”

            “I don’t know,” she teases. “Does it, Renji?”

            He grins. “Seems familiar.”

            Their legs dangle over the side of the roof as they watch this familiar scene play out.

            She taps her chin, pretending to consider. “Come to think of it, I seem to recall a certain red-haired idiot messing up a lot of my plans. He was never very smooth. Not like _those_ kids.”

            He makes a choking noise. “Hey!”

          “On second thought, that couldn’t have been me. A Kuchiki would never take part in such sordid foolishness. Must have been someone else.”

          “Shut it, you,” he says with a playful nudge.

          They settle into a comfortable silence as they watch the street rats escape with their bounty. The day has grown hot, but even as she wipes the sweat from her forehead she doesn’t mind because this is the most relaxed Rukia has felt in a long time.

         Squinting against the sun, she cranes her neck to check on Kaien. In the alley below, another group of children has gathered around to watch him act the fool for their entertainment. He has six clay pots balanced precariously on his head until one of the kids boldly pushes him over— “Gah!”— and all the pots (and Kaien) come crashing down. Shaking the ceramic dust from his hair, Kaien laughs louder than all the children combined. The sight warms her heart. He should always look so carefree. He did once.

         Noting the direction of her gaze, Renji’s smile disappears. “You and Shiba have been spending a lot of time together.”

         They have. Rukia’s current assignment has meant patrolling every day in Rukongai, and Kaien has been accompanying her. It’s been like old times. He seems more at ease away from the Seireitei, and she’s relieved by how he appears more himself again. She can almost pretend that night in the woods never happened.

         Almost.

         “Yes. He… needs a friend now.”

         “I thought he had lots of friends,” Renji mutters.

         “What’s your point?"

         “Don’t know," he says with a shrug. "Guess I just don’t see why all the responsibility has to fall on you. Again.”

         She feels a tinge of annoyance. “You make him sound like a burden.”

         Renji picks at a stray strand on his hakama, maybe to avoid looking her in the eye. She doesn’t have to see his face because his silence speaks for itself: _well, isn’t he_?

         “Renji—”

         “I know what he means to you…”

         Does he?

         “But there’s only so much of you to go around.”

         She bristles. “I haven’t been slacking in any of my duties!”

         Renji snorts. “Course not, but if you were me looking at you right now you would worry, too. You look like you haven’t slept in years.”

         Rukia isn’t vain enough to care if she isn’t exactly looking her best. Thanks to Unohana’s help, she’s been sleeping through the night, but she still never manages to feel truly rested. This results in a much shorter temper, which explains why she snaps, “ _Years_? Why, thank you so much, illustrious Vice-Captain! You always knew how to flatter a girl! Oh, wait, no, you _didn’t_.”

         More than familiar with her temper, he just rolls his eyes. “My point is that you’re taking on too much. Again. You’re only one person, Rukia.”

         “Again, again, again. You sound like a parrot.”

         “ _Rukia_ —”

         “Fine!” she says, deflating. “I hear you, all right?”

         "Do you?"

         “What do you want from me, Renji?”

         He gives her a strange look that makes her want to shift uncomfortably. “I want…” he says carefully, “… you to let the people who care about you _help_ once in a while so you don’t have to do everything yourself.”

         They’ve been over this before, only last time he had her clutched in his arms and they were running for their lives. She turns back to Kaien. “I can’t this time,” she says quietly. “It has to be me.”

         Renji curses under his breath. “Why, damn it?”

         They were having such a nice time. Why does he want to ruin it? “Because…” She could lie. She probably should. But…

         She doesn’t want to. She kept the truth from Ukitake to protect him, but Renji… Keeping Kaien’s struggle a secret has been like a weight around her neck. To tell someone, anyone, would be the relief of a great burden.

         “Why does it have to be you?” he insists.

         She takes a deep breath. “Renji, you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone, especially not Niisama—”

         “Rukia,” he interrupts sternly. “Tell me.”

         He won’t betray her. She can trust him. And so she does. There are things about Kaien and Aaroniero and herself that she will never tell another soul, but she tells him about Metastasia, about glutonerria, and about all of Aaroniero’s devoured hollows. Renji’s expression fluctuates between confusion and alarm as he takes it all in. Once she’s finished speaking, she waits and waits, but Renji seems at a loss. She doesn’t blame him, but his silence still makes her feel anxious. “He’s still Kaien-dono,” she adds before he can claim otherwise. “No matter what, he has always—”

         Renji’s voice is low when he interrupts her. “Is this like Ichigo’s hollow?”

         The question gives her pause. “Yes. No. I don’t know. Ichigo only has one hollow. Kaien-dono has…” — she can’t bring herself to say _thousands_ — “... more. It’s his memory, Renji. He says the memories from all the different hollows are mixed together with his.”

         “Rukia…”

         “I know he can beat this,” she says hurriedly in response to his skeptical expression. “He just needs time and support!”

         “From you?”

         “Yes,” she says defensively, defiantly.

         “But—”

         “I have to help put him back together, Renji,” she says, watching as Kaien tosses one of the small boys into the air and catches him. The words solidify in her mind and fill her with resolve. She can do this.

         When only silence comes from him, she nervously asks, “What are you thinking?”

         Renji shakes his head. “You really want to know what I think?”

         His tone implies that, no, maybe not. “Yes.”

         The look he gives her is grave. “This is dangerous. _He’s_ dangerous. What you’re doing is really stupid.”

         It shouldn’t sting, but it does.

         “I see,” she says stiffly. Rising to her feet, she pretends to brush some dust from her uniform. “If that’s how you feel, then I won’t bother you anymore about Kaien-dono. I should get back to my patrol.”

         “Rukia…” Renji tries to catch her sleeve, but she dodges him and starts across the roof. It was a mistake to confide in him. She never should have opened her big mouth. If she can’t make even Renji understand, then who else would?

         “Why did you bring him here?”

         The question stops her. Rukia turns back with a confused frown. “What?”

         Renji pushes himself to his feet with a grunt. He gives her a wide berth, which would have amused her under different circumstances. “Shiba didn’t grow up in Rukongai. We did, but he didn’t. Shouldn’t you be showing him things from his own life?”

         She tenses, sensing an accusation. “What are you saying?”

         “I don’t know, Rukia. It just seems strange, you using pieces of our life to ‘put him back together.’”

         Her throat goes dry. How could he say such a thing? “That’s not what I’m doing.”

         He just shakes his head.

         “I’m _not_ , Renji.”

         “You haven’t told anyone else about this? Not even your captain?”

         “No! And you promised you wouldn’t either!” Frantic, she grabs his sleeve. “Renji, you _promised_ —”

         “All right, all right,” he says, holding up his hands in surrender. “Let go, crazy woman!”

         She releases him only reluctantly. “You won’t tell, will you?”

         “This is so stupid, Rukia. What you’re doing…”

         Frustrated, she moves away from him and back to the roof’s edge. She’s standing directly above Kaien and the children when he senses her movement and glances up. Their eyes meet. She does her best not to look as ruffled as she feels.

         Smiling, Kaien crouches down on his haunches so that he’s eye-level with the children. He tells them something and points up toward her. The children all look up at her and start hopping up and down excitedly, chanting something that sounds to her like, “Ice! Ice! Ice!”

         Rukia remembers many hot summer days before there was a nice, cool mansion to go home to in order to escape from the heat. In a swift movement, she draws Sodeno no Shirayuki and releases a shower of ice. The ice rains down on the cheering children like snow. They dance around trying to catch it as if it’s something precious. To them, it is. Here at least is a group of street rats that won’t necessarily grow up fearing and hating shinigami.

         She doesn’t turn when she feels Renji at her back.

         “I need you to tell me just one thing,” he says quietly.

         “What is it?”

         “Is he dangerous?”

         Kaien grins up at her.

         “Has he tried to hurt you? I mean, after he remembered who he was?”

         There’s no hesitation in her answer. “No,” she lies.

*   *   *


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's missing.

          One day, Kaien doesn’t show up to join her for patrol.

          Rukia doesn’t wonder at his absence. Renji has more or less accused her of monopolizing Kaien's time (which is strange since Kaien has accused her of _avoiding_ him). If Kaien chooses to spend his day elsewhere, then he’s helping to prove Renji wrong. And it is much easier to perform her duties when Kaien is not nearby being... distracting.

          She contents herself with thinking that he is probably off bonding with his family, as he should be. Maybe he is watching over Bonnie's piglets with Ganju or else designing new fireworks with Kuukaku. That would be good for him, for them.

          Rukia gets to feel okay for all of an hour.

          And then she turns a corner and runs right into Captain Ukitake.

          One look at his grim expression, and all her hopes come crashing down. “Is it Kaien-dono?” she asks immediately.

          “He isn’t with you then?” he asks, obviously disappointed.

          The bottom drops out of her stomach. "No." Something has happened. She can feel it. "Isn't he with his family?" He's supposed to be with them, where he's safe. Rukia trusted them to keep him _safe_.

          Her captain shakes his head. “No one can find him. I was hoping he was with you.” She can tell he's trying to remain calm for her sake, but that's pointless if...

          ... if he’s missing. Panic, hot and hideous, blooms in her chest. Kaien is not _allowed_ to be missing, not ever again. This can't be happening.

          She has not yet taken a step, and she is already breathless. “Captain, please allow me to—”

          “It’s all right, Kuchiki," Ukitake interrupts. He knows her fears intimately, and so he says, "You can help search for him.”

          “Thank you, Captain!”

          The words are barely out of her mouth before she’s racing into shunpo. The vicious grip on her heart weighs her down, and every step is heavy, but she has to find him.

          Rukia searches everywhere she associates with Kaien. The memories come easily, but he isn’t anywhere he should be. Not his favorite restaurants, training spaces, or resting spots. With each failure, her panic escalates.

          Kaien’s simply vanished.

*   *   *

 

          There is a secret anniversary that she keeps.

           Every year, on the same day, she would visit his gravestone. Not on the day of his death or even the day of his funeral. No, because that would mean she ran the risk of running into someone else who knew and loved him.

           She would never step all over someone else's grief by forcing them to share it with his murderer.

           No, Rukia went on the anniversary of their first meeting. Her first day in the thirteenth division. Because she remembers that was the first time in a long time when she felt as if things might, finally, be okay.

           She was wrong.

           No matter how short a time the gift lasted, she will never stop feeling grateful for having it at all. For having him. As a mentor. As a friend.

           One of the nights after she took Unohana's pills, she had a dream.

           In the dream, she went to visit his gravestone, like always, bringing with her flowers and incense to burn. The ritual was familiar and reassuring. But his gravestone was gone. He was gone.

           She woke with tears on her face. Realizing it was just a dream should have made her feel better.

          But it didn't.

 

*   *   *

          Rukia has run out of options when a sudden thought comes to her. She swiftly changes direction, heading toward the mountains. She already checked Mt. Koifushi, but at the time she didn't think to climb higher. This time, she does.

          Kaien only brought her there once.

           _“What are we doing here, Kaien-dono?”_

_“What’s with that skeptical expression? Let down your hair for once and take in this beautiful view, Kuchiki!”_

_It is beautiful. Mt. Koifushi hovers over Rukongai, but on the opposite side of the mountain, the clearing overlooks green as far as the eye can see. Instead of depressing shanties, she sees endless trees._

_“Yes, but what are we doing here?”_

_Kaien snorts. “Always business with you, huh, Kuchiki? Fine. Give me first dance. Let me see tsukishiro.”_

   When she finally feels that much desired reiatsu, she nearly cries with relief. He’s here, somewhere.

          “Kaien-dono!” she cries, spinning around. “Where are you?”

          He doesn’t answer immediately. She’s about to shout again when she hears his voice say, “What are you doing here, Kuchiki?”

          She turns and sees him.

          Yesterday, he was fine. He laughed and joked. He was Kaien-dono.

          Today, he isn’t.

          That face is familiar to her, but it isn't his. Not really.

          Quiet and yet so very clearly angry, he says, “I asked what you’re doing here. _Rukia_."

          _Kuchiki_ , she corrects. She can't help it. Rukia swallows. “Everyone is looking for you, Kaien-dono. They’ve been worried.”

          He tilts his head, studying her with dark eyes. “You’ve been looking for _who_ exactly?"

          She’s found him, but something still feels wrong. “For… for you. Are you all right?”

          “Why wouldn’t I be?” he asks, coming toward her. His reiatsu fluctuates wildly, reminding her suddenly of Ichigo.

          Rukia stills as Kaien circles her, so close his sleeves brush against her back. What is he doing?

          “Were _you_ worried, Kuchiki?” he murmurs.

          Kuchiki. Yes. Better. She has to remind herself to breathe. “Yes, Kaien-dono.”

          “Why?” he asks, coming around so that they’re once again face-to-face. “What were you afraid of?” His grin has all the coldness of Aaroniero and none of the warmth of Kaien. “Who did you think you’d find?”

          Rukia’s fears are legion now, spreading out in every direction. She blinks, and he seems to come apart like the view through a kaleidoscope. “We… should get you back home,” she says shakily. Something’s breaking, and she needs to get him away from this place.

          “Where is home? Is that Soul Society? Hueco Mundo? With… you?”

          He’s mocking her, she knows, but she says, “Here. Soul Society is your home. You’re home now, Kaien-dono.” Saying it makes it feel closer to the truth.

          “You keep calling me that.”

          There. Her fear finds a holding, and a crack goes down the center of the world. Does she have the strength for this? “That’s who you are,” she says without conviction.

          He pretends to consider this. “You know, I don’t think so.”

          She can have this conversation if she pretends it’s all a dream. “Then you are… Aaroniero?”

          His false calm disintegrates, and a burst of furious reiatsu surges toward her. “Who knows?" he shrieks angrily. "We were fine, one and all, until you showed up and broke us! It’s all wrong now!”

          All she can bring herself to think in this moment is that he was _fine_ yesterday. What happened?

          "You showed up and broke us."

          He’s broken. She broke him. How could she have let him down again?

           _It’s all wrong now._

          “Kuchiki…”

          Her head snaps up. That tone… Kaien. Somehow, he’s Kaien again.

          His face crumbles as he backs away from her. “You should have left us there.”

          “No…” How could she have left him in Hueco Mundo? How?

          Rukia realizes with a start that he’s too close to the edge of the cliff. Another step, and he’ll go over.

          Kaien thrashes about like someone unhinged. “Yes, damn you! What good am I now? I only know what I’m supposed to do when I’m around you. When you aren’t there, everything bleeds together, and I don’t know what’s real anymore! What have you _done_ to me?"

          She's asleep. She has to be, and this is another nightmare. "Kaien-dono..."

          “Stop calling me that! I don’t know who I am, but I don’t think I’m Shiba Kaien. You brought back an imposter,” he says miserably.

          Dream or not, she can’t bear to hear this. “Stop it, Kaien-dono!”

          “Why? So you won’t have to hear the truth? You aren’t _listening_ to me! _No one_ is listening to me!”

          He’s too close to the edge. “Please, be careful!” she begs, lurching forward to pull him back.

          In a move too quick for her eye to catch, Kaien gets a hand around her neck and slams her back against a tree several feet behind her. The sharp impact steals her breath and rattles her ribs.  Oh, it hurts...

          The look on his face reminds her of a rabid dog that chased her up a tree one particularly hot Rukongai summer day. She could see in its eyes that the animal wanted her blood. Renji had to beat it off with sticks and rocks before it finally limped away, its eyes still mad with fever lust.

          Renji isn’t here now, and Rukia chokes under Kaien’s fingers. He leans forward so that his hot breath pants against her ear. He's coming unraveled. Everything is.

          “Do you have any idea what we want to do to you right now?” he snarls. “How you smell to us?”

          Rukia thinks of the dog and figures she has a pretty good idea. She wants to tell him to fight these impulses, but all that comes out are broken gasps as he presses against her windpipe.

          “If you had the slightest idea, then you wouldn’t look at us like that with those pretty eyes.”

          We. Us. _Thousands_ , he said...

          His grip tightens, and she cannot _breathe_. He could kill her now-- worse, he _wants_ to. He'll finish what Aaroniero started back in Hueco Mundo with Nejibana stuck through her abdomen like so much meat... and the wonderful man who was Kaien-dono will be lost forever... and so will she.

          _"Kuchiki... you must never, ever, ever die alone..."_

          Does it count as dying alone if he's with her?

          No. It can't end this way. Not after everything they've gone through-- after everything she's gone through to get him back.

          Kaien gasps when Rukia’s knee comes up into his stomach. He doubles over in pain. Throat screaming, Rukia coughs and chokes as she sucks down air.

          Still clutching his stomach, Kaien moves as if he's about to stand again. Rukia kicks without thinking, and Kaien flips over onto his back. With her foot pressed on the center of his chest, she instinctively goes to place Shirayuki against his neck-- and freezes. His eyes are wide as they look up at her. How... how could she ever... ?

          Sickened, she drops her sword. No, not even to defend herself. _Especially_ not to...

          Her voice is rough with suppressed tears. “Why should I listen when you're speaking nonsense? You don’t know who you are? Well, I do. You’re Kaien Shiba. That’s all you need to know.”

          He glares up at her. “You can’t just say that and make it true.”

          A kick in the head isn't going to work this time, Rukia realizes. Not with him. “Forget the rest,” she pleads.

          Kaien grabs her ankle and _pulls_. The wind goes out of her in a sharp breath as her back hits the ground. Before she can get up again, he’s already on her with his large body pressing her down.

          Gripping her by the shoulders, he shakes her hard enough to snap back her neck. “Can _you_ forget?”

           _"Remember that as long as you're in my division, I will stand by you even if I die."_

          He did die. And he left her all alone... with his heart.

          She has his heart. But how to give it back?

          His fury is unrelenting. He shakes her again. “ _Can_ you, Rukia?”

          “Yes!” she screams.

          Her ferver shocks them both. His grip on her slackens. In his eyes, she sees something not unlike fear and despair but also something like hope. She sees Kaien.

          “You...”

          “Yes,” Rukia repeats. _For you, anything,_ she thinks.

          It's too much for him, and his gaze hardens with distrust. "Prove it," he snaps.

          She will.

          She can’t tell who moves first.

          Kaien kisses her, but she's the one to pull his face down and-- _oh_.

          From somewhere, a voice whispers, " _This isn’t how it’s supposed to happen_." She doesn’t care. The kiss causes something to click into place, and every emotion becomes translated into kinetic energy.

          Rukia lets her body tell him all the things she could never say with her voice. She clutches his face, his beautiful face, and kisses him with several decades worth of restrained passion, telling him, _"Yes, your home is with me. I have your heart."_

          He kisses her angrily, his tongue a weapon sent to subdue her. Without pretense, Kaien eagerly strips Rukia of her uniform, so far gone he barely seems to see her. His eyes, windows to a soul she no longer recognizes, have gone glassy. But she can bring him back. She will.

          She has difficulty undressing him because every time she breaks away, Kaien draws her back. His movements are a tide and they say, _now, now, now._ She tries to give him now, but he unintentionally sabotages them both in his impatience. Eventually, she gets frustrated and just tears the fabric of the civilian yukata that looks so wrong on him from his shoulders. Kaien is a soldier, a shinigami. Always so much more than ordinary.

          The first brush of skin against skin makes her gasp.

          Maybe later she’ll think about how this was never supposed to happen. About how even if this were always written into their destinies, it never should have been in the open like this, desperate and angry, without finesse or romance. But those kind of thoughts will have to wait, because all Rukia can think of is to save him, save him _now._

          Kaien bites her neck so hard her fingers convulsively clutch clumps of his hair. She throws her head back so he can bite her again if he wants. Anything he wants... "Yes, yes, _please."_ His warm mouth moves down her neck to her chest, and Rukia whimpers. One of his hands slips between her legs at the same time as he mouths her breast and she cries out, unrestrained.

          She touches him with a fervor that says she can make him Kaien, forever— can impress the image into his skin so that he never questions it again. Rukia’s hands run over his chest and arms, over his tattoo, down his thighs, telling him without words that it was always, always him. His body seems to respond, _need you, yes, Rukia_. She’s imagined this so many times, but never came close to imagining the raw power of this, now, between them.

          With a move that leaves her head spinning, Kaien tugs her up so that she’s straddling his lap. As her arms go around his neck, and his close around her back, their eyes meet.

          Never has Rukia ever thought he would look at her this way.

          Her chest suddenly feels tight enough to snap. Face burning, she kisses him so that he can’t look her in the eye as she finally moves her hand down between them to his straining cock. Kaien moans, breaking the kiss. He drops his forehead onto her shoulder as she delicately traces him, memorizing him through touch.

           _Yes, yes, want you forever._

          Kaien has become something ephemeral, drifting in and out of existence and always in danger of disappearing, but if she’s touching him, then he can’t disappear.

          _Don’t ever leave me again,_ she says by rubbing her cheek against his hair. She wants the smell of him to coat her everywhere. Kaien returns his hand to that special spot between her legs, and she convulses, legs tightening around his waist. _Never leave me, never again, I’d die…_

          Touching each other like this... Rukia doesn’t think they could ever be more joined together as they are now. Her bare thighs pressed on either side of his. Every piece of him is touching every piece of her. At least, she thinks this until Kaien suddenly tips them over, and her back hits the ground with a painful thud. He climbs over her.

          Rukia suddenly realizes she’s about to get something she has never been allowed to want, not from him.

          But to her surprise and frustration, Kaien pauses above her, seemingly struck by something. Rukia's breathing comes in jagged stops and starts as she stares up into his face.

          “Kuchiki,” he breathes, barely a whisper, as if seeing her for the first time. His large hand traces her face, and she’s so moved by the gesture and the tenderness in his gaze that the tears finally escape and slide down her face.

          “Please, Kaien-dono,” she says, aloud this time, honest in her need.

          Kaien enters her, and they cease to be separate beings. Rukia loses track of herself and of him because they are one. Twined together in a shared fever dream, they rock together, over and over… It’s too much. They’re burning. _I love you, I love you,_ her body chants. _We’re burning…_

          Kaien stifles a sharp cry against her shoulder, pumping his last few frantic thrusts into her. Moaning in relief, he sags on top of her. Lost to pride, Rukia whines in frustration until he slips his hand between them to finish her off. He pants against her ear as she writhes beneath him. _Need you, need you, always, yes, please, love you, oh, oh…_

          As her orgasm hits her, Rukia simultaneously dies and becomes reborn. Reborn into half of a whole.

          She screams.

          Tomorrow, the world will be new.

*   *   *


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She cannot be in two places at once.

         When she was still a new shinigami, Rukia’s foremost desire was to prove her worth. She wanted nothing more than to make her brother and her mentor proud. She worked longer and harder than everyone else, despite being passed over for promotion again and again.

         All the extra work proved worth it because, in the absence of any encouragement from her brother, Kaien stepped in. Mentor, leader, friend, brother— he filled every role. Except for one. For Miyako Shiba, he was husband.

         Student, subordinate, little sister— Rukia was never meant to access the part of him reserved for his wife. She idolized Miyako, their beloved third seat, and she would never have intentionally taken something that didn’t belong to her.

         But Rukia has never been able to control her heart. Not then and not now.

         She knows it’s an entirely selfish desire, but she really hopes Miyako isn’t watching over them now. Not while they reenact every shameful wish her heart has made since her joining of the thirteenth division and meeting him. Miyako would never forgive her. Why should she?

         The field they’ve chosen lies on the outskirts of Rukongai. The tall grass obscures them from any passersby, but there hasn’t been any sign of another person.

         From her position on the ground, Rukia stares up into a molten sky and wonders if she’s dreaming or awake. Sometimes, it can be hard to tell the difference. With her back against the earth, she experiences the strange vertigo that comes from confronting the heavens. The world is upside down, and if she were to take a step forward, then she would fall into the sky.

         Wild heather tickles the side of her face as she tilts her head up to glance at Kaien. His head rests across her bare stomach. His languid breathing tells her he’s fallen asleep. Rukia considers him as her fingers absently strum through his hair. It’s strange to see him so relaxed now when less than an hour ago he came to her with torment in his eyes. For once, strange is good. She doesn’t want to wake him, but just now she feels a need completely free of lust to touch him.

         Frowning, Rukia returns her gaze to the sky.

         It’s going to rain.

         She should wake him so they can dress and return to their separate homes. She should, but she doesn’t. Though the sweat on their bodies has long since cooled to a chill everywhere they are not touching, she feels reluctant to move. From some stubborn streak within her comes the desire to stay and face the rain when it arrives, to tell the rain, _"See? You took him from me once, but I’ve gotten him back. You have no power over us anymore."_

         There’s a more practical reason they should dress and go. Every moment of happiness she has with him like this is tempered by the fear of discovery. She doesn’t fool herself into thinking that there’s even one person who would congratulate them. Those who love Kaien most also loved Miyako. And Rukia knows she doesn’t deserve what she’s taken.

         She wonders why they haven’t been caught yet. As it turns out, Kaien can’t be bothered with discretion. He follows her everywhere. She’ll find herself ambushed at the most random and inconvenient of times. During a patrol, she’ll be unexpectedly pulled into an alley, where Kaien will use all of his unfairly advantageous charms to encourage unprofessional conduct on her part. He’s mostly successful.

         With all the people who must be watching him— observing, waiting, studying— it seems impossible to her that no one has yet discovered why (or how) he spends so much time in her company. Perhaps her behavior arouses no suspicion because she was already spending all her spare time with Kaien even before... _this_. If anyone should deem to ask her, Rukia has a whole slew of excuses prepared. She even believes them.

         However, there’s one excuse that’s quickly losing credibility even with her.

         Kaien stirs. Groaning, he stretches and likely finds a few new kinks in his back courtesy of his lying half on the ground and half on top of her. He gives her a blurry smile. “Hey.”

         She can’t help smiling back. “Hey. Did you have a nice nap?”

         “Bah! I wasn’t sleeping. Just resting my eyes.”

         “Of course, Kaien-dono,” she says, reaching forward to wipe some stray drool off his chin.

         Their clothes are strewn all over. He looks chagrined as he tugs his yukata down from where it’s lying atop some tall grass. The bright-colored fabric might as well have been a flag alerting everyone to their presence. Rukia sighs. So much for discretion.

         She isn't quick to move from her place on the ground. Kaien says, “You look as if you’re the one who’s ready for a nap.” A devilish smile crosses his mouth, and he trails a suggestive hand up her thigh. “Unless…”

         Rukia shivers, but she says, “I have to get back to work.” Before he can protest, she sits up and helps fix his yukata back into place.

         “It’s killing you that we’re doing this during your patrol, isn’t it?”

         “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rukia says primly, and she can’t help adding, “But in the future, if you could only wait until after my shift—”

         He groans, rubbing his forehead. “I must really be losing my touch. I don’t remember having any trouble distracting you before.”

         Rukia tenses.

         Kaien tugs her closer and rests his forehead against hers. “Hey, remember that spot hidden behind the waterfall?” His laughing eyes share a secret with her.

         No. She does not remember. Rukia never met him in any hidden spot. It wasn’t her.

         Pulling away from him, she focuses on locating the various pieces of her uniform. Her hands only shake slightly when she pulls on her kosode.

         Kaien makes a face. “Uh, I think something bit me.”

         “Of course,” she says shortly. “You’re in a _field_.”

         The surprise on his face speaks to the harshness of her tone. Rukia immediately blushes in embarrassment. “I’m sorry, Kaien-dono.”

         He doesn’t seem angry so much as concerned. “You all right, Kuchiki?”

         Rukia would give anything to be able to say, "Yes, everything is perfect. We’re perfect." She’s been telling herself that it’s only a matter of time, but the truth is that his memory does not appear to be improving. The pieces are there, but they don’t all fit together as they should. It’s been weeks, and there are still recurring indications that he does not remember their past together the same way she does.

         Most of the inconsistencies are relatively harmless, such as confusing the places where they once trained together or mentioning a comrade she has never met. It’s been a long time since the days of her early training, and he can’t be expected to remember every detail perfectly. If Rukia remembers even the mundane things, then it’s because they held greater weight for her.

         But some of the other things… There are times when Rukia gets the impression Kaien believes they were— she hesitates to even think it— _lovers_ before she killed him. He never comes out and says as much, for which she is grateful, but the implication lies between the lines of what he does say. Things he means to be romantic, she finds disturbing. A do-you-remember as his hands trace her body that she cannot return in the affirmative.

         Is she all right?

         “I have a headache,” she murmurs.

         “You know, that’s the excuse you’re supposed to give _before_ we—”

         “Kaien-dono!”

         He laughs. “All right, Kuchiki. I’ll let you get back to work. For a price.”

         Smiling despite herself, she tilts her face up obligingly, and they share a long, lingering kiss. At least his moods have improved.

         Her smile fades as she watches him go.

         Kaien does not mention Miyako.

         Ever.

         What might seem like a new lover’s courtesy to some disturbs her most of all. Rukia recalls him once mentioning having taken Miyako to a flower festival while they were still courting, but when she casually mentions the festival, all she receives is a blank stare. What does it mean?

          _What would you do in my place, Miyako-dono?_ she asks the sky.

         But this is a foolish question because Miyako would never have found herself in Rukia’s predicament. Brilliant and compassionate, she would have known immediately how to reach Kaien. She would never make the same mistakes as Rukia. She would not have killed Kaien in the first place. Rather, Miyako would have found some way to save him without condemning him to a hellish half-life as a hollow.

         But Miyako— wife, idol, perfection— is dead.

         A raindrop lands on her face.

         Rukia lives, and as long as she still draws breath, Kaien will have her to depend on.

         Still, she doesn’t dare ask the inevitable question: If Kaien believes he and Rukia were lovers all those years ago, then what else does he ‘remember?’ Where is his wife in his fractured memory?

         She doesn’t ask. And she hates herself for it.

* * *

         “Kuchiki, we need to talk.”

         She sees her captain’s grim expression and instinctively knows it’s all over. Their (his) foolishly indiscreet behavior has finally come to her captain’s attention, and she’ll never be able to meet his honest gaze ever again.

         “Captain…” All the reasoning and excuses die instantly on her tongue. Really, what can she say?

         “Are you familiar with Kurumadani Zennosuke?” he asks.

         She blinks in surprise. “I, um… no. That name is unfamiliar to me.” What does that have to do with…?

         “He is the shinigami who took over your post in Karakura.”

         Rukia searches his face for some indication of where this is going. “… I see.”

         “I just received his request for a transfer.”

         It's clear that she should recognize the significance of this information. Since she does not, they are both left staring at each other with increasing awkwardness as the silence stretches between them.

         “A transfer out of Karakura,” he adds helpfully.

         “This… doesn’t have to do with Kaien-dono?” she finally asks.

         Ukitake's eyebrows go up. “Kaien? No. Not at all. I wanted to discuss your current assignment.”

         Rukia closes her eyes and takes a deep, shuddering breath. He doesn’t know. They’re okay.

         Ukitake watches her with clear concern. "Did something happen with Kaien?"

         "No, Captain. I just... Did you say something about my current assignment?"

         He allows her to change the subject, is maybe even grateful for it. “I thought you might appreciate the opportunity to spend some time in the living world with your friends,” he says with forced cheer.

         Rukia knows she’s just uselessly parroting his information back to him, but she can’t seem to stop herself. “In… Karakura? Now?”

         This is a gift, she knows. Her captain thinks he’s doing her a favor with this assignment. At any other time, it would be a favor. But now…

         Ukitake winces at her conflicted expression, no doubt reading her like an open book. She feels guilty even considering leaving now when Kaien is still so fragile— something Ukitake has obviously picked up on.

         He touches her shoulder. “He’ll be all right, Kuchiki,” he says quietly, eyes gone soft with understanding. There’s no question of who “he” is, not between them. “You’ve brought him home, and everything will be all right now.”

         Tears well up in her eyes before she can stop them. Those words… she wants so much to believe them.

         “He has his family, and I’ll be sure to check on him as often as possible. We can even make a game out of how soon he’ll get sick of me!”

         Rukia manages a weak smile.

         “And it won’t be forever!” Ukitake continues. “A short assignment. Just a few months. Long enough to see your friends, purify a few hollows, and then you’ll be back before you know it!”

         She knows she should act grateful, but a few months might as well be a few years. “If Captain wishes me to—”

         “No, no,” he says quickly. “Don’t make that face, Kuchiki! This isn’t an order. You can refuse the assignment if you want.” He already looks disappointed, as if he’s expecting her to do just that. “I only thought you might appreciate the break.”

         From Kaien, he means. Rukia’s mouth doesn’t fall open, but it’s a close thing. “Captain?”

         Ukitake sighs. “Maybe you thought I hadn’t noticed—”

         Her heart skips a beat.

         “— how thin you’ve been spread between all your duties and Kaien. I know he’s been relying on you a lot lately. You’re very loyal, Rukia, and I know everyone appreciates how dedicated you’ve been to helping him… recover.” There still isn’t an appropriate word for what Kaien is currently doing in Soul Society. Recovering? Recuperating? Readjusting? All and yet none at the same time?

         “But another of your friends may be in need of your help as well.”

         Before she can ask, Ukitake says, “Kurumadani-san has included in his reports— several, actually— his… _difficulties_ in dealing with Kurosaki-kun as of late.”

         Ichigo? “What’s wrong?” she demands.

         “No need to look so worried! Kurumadani-san has merely mentioned a certain reluctance on Kurosaki-kun’s part to work with him or acknowledge his role as the resident shinigami of Karakura town. I suspect Kurumadani-san has found it very frustrating to do his job in competition with all your talented friends. I suspect as much because he has written it out in very long and detailed statements in many of his recent reports.” He pauses as if he expects Rukia to laugh. He sighs when she doesn’t.

         Ichigo’s being a pain in the ass, huh? Somehow, this news doesn’t surprise her. Rather, it’s reassuring to hear since she recalls the way his eyes looked when she last saw him. Lost. They looked lost. Even then, her sixth sense told her that he needed her, but there hasn’t been an opportunity since to check in on him. Until now.

         After weeks of sneaking around and being unable to look anyone in the eye, the idea of going back to Karakura has some appeal.

         But she has to wonder at the timing.

         It’s a paranoid notion, but she can’t help wondering if this assignment could be just an excuse to get her away from Kaien. Maybe this is a disguised act of mercy. Instead of publicly shaming her for taking advantage of a vulnerable man, Ukitake could be giving her a way of graciously removing herself from the situation.

         Or else she really has finally lost her mind and this assignment is exactly what it seems.

         Frustrated, Rukia rubs her eyes until she sees stars. She cannot be in two places at once. Simple as that. But if she’s honest with herself, then she hasn’t been much use to anyone lately _other_ than Kaien. And if she’s _really_ , brutally honest with herself— then maybe not even him.

         Maybe a short vacation is in order.

         “You think… Ichigo needs my help?”

         “I think that, sometimes, seeing an old friend can be the best medicine for that which ails us.”

* * *

         Rukia is just dropping off her last bit of paperwork for the day when she’s given reason to pause outside of Ukitake’s office.

         She freezes with her hand on the shoji at the sound of loud shouting.

         “Something is _wrong_ with him, Ukitake!” booms a voice that could belong only to Kukakuu Shiba.

         And there is only one person they could be talking about.

         “We can’t push him. You know what he’s been through,” Ukitake says patiently.

         Rukia silently disagrees. No one can even guess at what Kaien is going through unless they’ve seen the raw rage in Aaroniero’s eyes or heard the things Kaien told her on the mountain that day. Her fingers drift absently toward her stomach. For a moment, there’s a low buzzing sound in her ears.

          _Kuchiki?_

         “Kuchiki?”

         She nearly jumps out of her skin. Ukitake smiles at her despite having just caught her eavesdropping.

         “I— I apologize, Captain,” she stammers. “I was just—”

         “Are you all right?” he asks.

         Come to think of it, her forehead has gone clammy and she’s feeling rather dizzy. “I’m fine, Captain,” she says weakly.

         He clearly doesn’t believe her, but Kukakuu yells, “Kuchiki, get your ass in here!”

         If Rukia thinks Kukakuu's voice sounds scary, then it’s nothing compared to her expression. “He found out you were leaving, and he threw a fit,” she says, blunt and to the point.

         She doesn’t know how Kaien found out about her assignment since she hasn’t had the opportunity yet to tell him. Rukia gets the impression she’s about to be hit again by those powerful fists. She braces herself.

         “It’s only for a few months,” Ukitake says.

         “I know that!” Kukakuu snaps, and again Rukia wonders how. “But you try and tell him! Or, better yet…” She glares at Rukia. “How about _you_ tell him since you’re suddenly so important?”

         Rukia cringes.

         A note of steel creeps into Ukitake's otherwise genteel voice. “That isn’t fair. He wouldn’t even be here now if it weren’t for Kuchiki. You know that.”

         Kukakuu sighs. “Yeah, yeah.”

         And that’s as much of an apology as she’s ever going to get.

         “But what are we going to do about him, Ukitake? I tell you there’s something _wrong_ with him. He mopes around all day and snaps at everyone. That fool, Ganju, has been running himself ragged trying to get him to lighten up. It’s pathetic, and I’m tired of watching it. We’re trying to be patient, but… He’s just not himself,” she says, defeated. “And he’s obsessed with _her_.”

         Rukia flushes at this accusation, for an accusation it is. “Um… I… He isn’t—” She wishes she could say that she hasn’t done anything to warrant such a look from an overprotective sister. But there's a flash of sense memory of Kaien’s taste in her mouth, and it kills the lie before it can even leave her tongue.

         “Kukakuu,” Ukitake warns.

         “You should have seen him this morning!” she yells, ignoring his subtle plea for caution. “It took both Ganju and me to put a stop to it after he started destroying the house. Three of my staff threatened to quit. _My_ staff.”

         Now, Ukitake looks worried. “Why would—?”

         Kukakuu points a finger directly into Rukia’s face. “Because of _her_.”

         Ukitake and Rukia both wince.

         “When he found out she was leaving, he had some kind of anxiety attack and started destroying the house. Nothing he said made any sense…”

         The room starts to shrink around her.

         “He was just _rambling_.”

         Which one was rambling?

         Her stomach knots five different ways, and Rukia doesn’t want to hear any more of this. Kaien feels abandoned, and it’s all her fault. Again.

         “I think…” Something about Kukakuu’s defeated tone makes Rukia snap to attention. “Maybe we should talk to Mayuri…”

         “No,” Ukitake gasps before Rukia can.

         “Unohana then! _I don’t care!_ My brother needs help, and he’s not getting it by following her around everywhere like a puppy!”

         The truth hurts. Rukia sucks in a wet breath.

         “He… doesn’t want to see Captain Unohana,” she whispers.

         They both stare at her. Rukia stares at the floor.

         “There has to be another way,” Ukitake says helplessly.

         “I’m all ears, damn it!”

         With Kaien unwilling to submit to medical care, their options are limited.

         “And what about _her_?” Kukakuu demands. “Are you still sending her to the living world?”

         What do they want from her? Do they want her to stay away from him or do they want her to remain nearby?

         No one seems to know the answer.

         In the end, the assignment’s already been given, her bags already packed, and she leaves for Karakura.

         But when she goes back to the living world, Kaien comes with her.

* * *

         The night before she leaves for Karakura, Rukia takes two of Unohana’s pills and has another dream.

         They’re on a lake.

         Rukia watches with what is probably an indecent amount of attention as Kaien’s strong arms flex with the strain of rowing their small boat across the water.

         “You’re staring, Kuchiki,” he teases, but his eyes are warm as they gaze at her.

         Blushing, she leans over the side of the boat to gaze into the water beneath them. Rainbow-colored koi fish like those in Niisama’s tranquility pond dart around the boat. They come close as if driven by curiosity, only to quickly skirt away. On its surface, the lake is smooth and serene, the sun gentle and benign. Out here with Kaien… she’s happy.

         Nonetheless, she feels obligated to at least ask, “Shouldn’t we be training, Kaien-dono?”

         He laughs. “Too late for that, Kuchiki.”

         She assumes he means it’s too late now that he’s rowed them so far out. Typical. Just this once, since it’s such a nice day, she doesn’t question his lazy approach to his duties. She leans her head back, closes her eyes, and drinks in the warmth of the sun on her face.

         Kaien’s voice eventually breaks her comfortable reverie. “It’s nice here.”

         She hums her agreement.

         “Too bad it can’t last.”

         No, summer never lasts. Leaves fall and gentle breezes become icy winds. Warmth becomes scarce. For now, though, everything’s perfect.

         “Kuchiki, it can’t last.”

         Frowning, she opens her eyes. Kaien has stopped rowing. Leaning forward over the oars, he regards her with a strange expression.

         “You already said that—”

         Just then, the boat knocks against something solid.

         Rukia turns to see that their boat has collided against a solid rock mass.

         Surprised, she cranes her neck back and sees that the rock, sleek and black as obsidian, stretches impossibly high and wide. Strange. Rukia places her hand against the rock, and her fingers come away wet. How did this get here, in the middle of her lake, and why didn’t she notice it before?

         When she turns back to question Kaien, she gets another shock. The lake has vanished entirely, and he stands before her wearing a strange white outfit with a high collar and long sleeves. The rock mass, no longer cliff-like, has spread all around them. She realizes suddenly that they’re back in that same cave from before.

         She instinctively seeks out the anonymous shinigami and— sure enough— she’s still lying right where they left her.

         The whispering wind has returned as well, and snippets of a one-sided conversation breeze past her ears.

_"What the heck are you actin’ all weird for? Everyone loves me! You should be happy…"_

         “What happened to the lake?” she asks in a small voice.

         “Kuchiki, you haven’t been paying attention,” he says sadly.

         “Why are you dressed that way?”

         Despite herself, she edges backward.

         Kaien doesn’t answer, but she’s distracted from her question by the fallen figure on the ground behind him. Seeing that girl again fills her with unease.

         “What happened to her?”

         “You don’t know?”

         No, she doesn’t know, and maybe she doesn’t want to know. Kaien grabs her arm when she goes to take another step back. “ _Don’t_.”

_"I can pass my heart to you here…"_

         Kaien wants her to move closer to the body on the ground, but it’s suddenly very important that she go nowhere near that girl.

         Suddenly, the wind increases in pressure and volume, whipping her hair across her face and nearing a shout. _My heart, my heart, my heart,_ cries the invisible voice, trapped in a terrible loop. She turns this way and that in search of a source for the noise, but there’s nothing. Nothing except darkness. The louder it gets, the more frightened she becomes.

         He won’t let go of her arm. “Kaien-dono!” she pleads, tugging at his grip.

          _MY HEART, MY HEART, MY HEART…_

         “Kuchiki, there isn’t much time left,” he says urgently. He has to yell to be heard over the other voice.

         She wants to cover her ears. “Please, let go!”

          _MYHEARTMYHEARTMYHEARTMYHEART…_

         Frustrated for some reason, he shakes her. “Kuchiki, wake up! You have to _wake up_!”

         She does.

         She wakes to a pounding heart and the horrible feeling that she’s forgotten to do something important. Staring into the darkness of her bedroom, she places shaking hands over her ears, the voice still echoing in her mind. Maybe something terrible has already happened that she’s failed to prevent.

         She doesn’t know.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ichigo.

### Part 2: Submerge

_"I want it to be over  
Turn the boat around and bring that girl in  
I stumble through the error  
Hope deferred makes the heart sick sick sick  
The circle rules and ruins  
Yet again we are on our own  
I don’t need your opinions  
What I got is alright_

_I know you’re bleeding baby,  
But you’re not bleeding blood._ "

— “Blood” by Band of Skulls.

_  
_

          Rukia is just leaving the Kuchiki mansion when she hears a series of raised voices coming from the edge of the compound.  
  
          Going to investigate, she discovers Ganju Shiba arguing with the guards at the gate.  
  
          “She knows who I am, you idiots!”  
  
          “You do not have clearance to—”  
  
          “I don’t give a shit about your clearance! I just want to talk to— oh, hey, Kuchiki-san! Over here!” he yells. Ganju waves an arm over his head as if she could possibly miss him from only a few feet away. Under his free arm, he holds some kind of bag.  
  
          Rukia does her best to mask her surprise at seeing him. “Please, open the gate,” she says to the guards.  
  
          “Kuchiki-sama,” they acknowledge, bowing. But then one of them says, “Your honored brother has given us strict orders not to allow access to any member of the Shiba family.”  
  
          “The hell?” Ganju says. “What’s his problem?”  
  
          Astonished, she gapes at the guard. “When did he give that order?”  
  
          “Sixty-two years ago, Kuchiki-sama,” he promptly answers. “He assured certain death to anyone who allowed a Shiba onto the compound.”  
  
          Rukia almost chokes and only saves herself by turning it into a cough. “That… was a very long time ago.”  
  
          Thinking back, Rukia realizes that Kaien never did come to the Kuchiki estate. Not during her time as a Kuchiki anyway. But that never seemed strange because Niisama has never cared for Kaien, whom this rule must have been designed for.  
  
          “We have received no contradictory order.”  
  
          Fair enough. “Please, open the gate.” When they go to protest, she finishes, “So I may exit. I’m leaving for an assignment.”  
  
          They dutifully open the gate for her.  
  
          “Good morning, Shiba-san—”  
  
          “Shiba-san? Nah, after everything we’ve been through, it’s just Ganju, Kuchiki-san.”  
  
          She does not point out the contradiction in his statement.  
  
          “Plus, Neechan would never let me live it down if she knew we were being so formal!”  
  
          “I see.”  
  
          An awkward silence settles over them as neither seems to know what else there is to say. Why did he come?  
  
          Ganju doesn’t look at her as he fiddles with the bag he brought. “Um…”  
  
          “I was just leaving for—”  
  
          “The living world? Yeah, I know,” he says, looking relieved. “That’s why I’m here.”  
  
          “Oh?”  
  
          “I packed Aniki some ohagi for the trip,” he says, holding up the bag. “They’re his favorite.”  
  
 _I know_ , she thinks.  
  
          Ganju must have never visited the living world if he doesn’t know the trip only takes minutes. “I made them myself,” Ganju boasts, “while Aniki and Neechan were busy yelling at each other.”  
  
          Rukia’s breathing stops. “They were arguing?” she asks before she can stop herself.  
  
          He shrugs, as if it’s no big deal. “Eh, they fight a lot.”  
  
 _They do_? she thinks anxiously. Were they known to fight before? She doesn’t remember.  
  
          “Neechan doesn’t want him to go with you.”  
  
          She drops her eyes. “I know. But Kaien-dono—”  
  
          “It’s all right, Kuchiki-san,” he says, waving off her excuses before she can offer them. “Stubborn runs in the Shiba blood. Aniki won this battle, and Neechan will win the next one. Just the way it goes. And it’s only a vacation, right?”  
  
          “Yes,” she murmurs, though she cannot account for her own unease. She feels guilty for taking Kaien away so soon after they just got him back, but there’s something else bothering her about this plan and she doesn’t know what.  
  
          “Still,” he says, laughing nervously. “If you happen to speak to Neechan, maybe you could not mention I was here…”  
  
          “I’ve already forgotten,” she says loyally. She isn’t in a hurry to talk to Kukakuu anyway.  
  
          Grinning, he holds out the bag. “Please, give these to Aniki when you see him this morning.”  
  
          “If I may ask, why didn’t you give them to him yourself?”  
  
          Ganju flushes. “Oh, well… You know, I thought he might think it was lame or something coming from his little brother. It would be better if you gave them to him.”  
  
          Rukia once saved up two month’s worth of her salary so she could buy her brother an extremely expensive scarf for his birthday. But when the time came to give it to him, she became so plagued by self-doubt and embarrassment that she ended up leaving the gift on his desk at work. Without a card.  
  
          She never saw him wear the scarf, but that isn't surprising. Byakuya is not the type to accept gifts from anonymous admirers.  
  
          She's still learning how to be Byakuya’s sister, just as she imagines Ganju is re-learning how to be a younger brother to Kaien.  
  
          Her chest feels tight as she accepts the ohagi from him. “I’ll make sure he gets these… Ganju.”  
  
          To their mutual embarrassment, Ganju’s eyes fill with tears. Turning his face away, he mutters, “Yes, well, I should really be going…”  
  
          She’s watching him walk away when he suddenly stops and cries over his shoulder, “Please, take care of him, Kuchiki-san!”  
  
          He takes off running before she can respond.  
  
          Rukia clutches the bag of ohagi tight against her chest. She knows she’s just been entrusted with the most precious thing in the world to Ganju Shiba.  


 

*   *   *

  
          When Renji, holding a bag and wearing a scowl, meets her at the gate to the living world, Rukia simultaneously realizes several things.  
  
          Primarily that they don’t want her alone with Kaien. She can’t quite squash down that paranoid little voice this time, not when she and Kaien have been alone and without supervision countless times before without any concern from anyone. Only now it makes them uncomfortable. Why? Well, _she_ knows why they should feel that way, but do they?  
  
          Also, at some point in the very recent past, her brother and her captain must have held a conference where they decided she and Kaien would need a chaperone in the form of Renji Abarai. Her brother’s collaboration can be the only explanation for why his otherwise very busy vice-captain is currently standing here with her.  
  
          Ideas about what Ukitake could have told Niisama to convince him she and Kaien were not to be left alone fill her with horror. But, then again, if Byakuya really had any inkling about what she’s been up to recently, Kaien would not likely have all his limbs still in tact.  
  
          So… what’s going on?  
  
          There’s a small comfort in the fact that Renji seems just as uncomfortable with this arrangement as she feels. He looks so gloomy, barely grunting a greeting at her, that Rukia finally snaps from all the pent-up emotion of her endless morning.  
  
          Rukia waits until he glances her way and then makes a face at him, fingers tugging up her eyebrows in gross imitation of his own. Renji blinks, barely catching her parody before she’s once again statuesque. A ridiculous thing to do, but she manages to surprise a real, honest laugh out of him.  
  
          “Idiot,” he says affectionately.  
  
          Inexplicably relieved, Rukia gives up the act and grins at him. Renji rolls his eyes, but the corner of his mouth stays up in a half-smile.  
  
          “Let me guess,” she says. “Karakura assignment? Conveniently timed to leave, say, about now?”  
  
          “Shut up,” he growls.  
  
          When he arrives, Kaien already looks a little worn out, which she attributes to what must have been an epic battle with his little sister. He seems surprised to see Renji. “You coming with us, Abarai-kun?”  
  
          Instantly sullen again, Renji stares somewhere over Rukia’s head. “Looks like.”  
  
          Kaien gives her a questioning look, but Rukia only shrugs.  
  
          They’re about to step through the gate when Rukia suddenly gets an idea and stops. Dipping her hand into the bag, she pulls out one of Ganju’s ohagi.  
  
          “Kaien-dono, you should eat one of these as we walk through.”  
  
          The expression on his face tells her he’s questioning her sanity, but he still pops the treat into his mouth as they cross the threshold.  


 

*   *   *

  
          Having Kaien along poses some unique challenges.  
  
          The most prominent involves lodgings. Rukia can hardly expect the Kurosakis, generous as they’ve proven themselves to be, to take in all three of them. And something tells her that leaving Renji and Kaien alone together without her along as a mediator would be a bad idea. After what she confided in him, who knows what Renji would say?  
  
          She also worries about leaving Kaien, period.  
  
          Much to his surprise, Urahara finds himself with three shinigami crowding his doorway.  
  
          “We’re staying here,” Rukia informs him shortly. She shoves past, not waiting for a response.  
  
          Urahara’s fan flaps in front of his face. “So aggressive, Kuchiki-san!”  
  
          “Yo, Urahara-san,” Renji says, following her with an embarrassed hunch of his shoulders.  
  
          “Abarai-kun,” he acknowledges, though his eyes hover on Kaien. “Don’t I know you? You have a very familiar face.”  
  
          Kaien frowns. “Huh?”  
  
          “We’re all going to need gigais,” Rukia says, reaching past Urahara to pull Kaien inside. “If I were you, I’d get started on that.”  
  
          “Always a pleasure to see you, Kuchiki-san,” he says wearily.

 

*   *   *

  
          At first, Urahara lazily attempts to shove them all in with the children. “I’m not running a hotel, Kuchiki-san. I don’t have unlimited free space.”  
  
          But when Rukia threatens to take over _his_ room, he finally caves in to her wishes and prepares proper rooms for them. Kaien and Renji will share Jinta’s room— wary glances are exchanged— and Jinta will temporarily move in with Ururu, despite grievous complaints from both parties. Tessai generously offers Rukia his room while he shares with Urahara.  
  
          “You’ll owe me, Kuchiki-san,” Urahara warns in a particularly sulky tone, “because Tessai happens to be a cuddler.”  
  
          Rukia rolls her eyes and tells him she’ll take her chances. She purposely does not ask how Urahara came by this information.  
  
          Their arrangements are cramped and uncomfortable, but the situation is what it is.  
  
          In Tessai’s room, Rukia carefully unpacks her dress from Ishida and presses out the wrinkles with careful, loving hands. She pauses over the school uniform she packed before her plans became complicated. Will she have a chance to wear it on this trip after all? Probably not. There’s no way Kaien could pass for a student.  
  
          She’s disappointed.  
  
          A scratching sound from the shoji catches her attention, and she turns to see Kaien slipping into her room.  
  
          She quickly shoves the school uniform back into her bag.  
  
          Chuckling, he says, “Urahara-san’s kind of a weird guy.”  
  
          “You have no idea,” she mutters, smoothing out her dress again.  
  
          Rukia squeaks in surprise when Kaien presses up against her back.  
  
          “Not here, Kaien-dono,” she says half-heartedly.  
  
          “I’ve never seen you like that,” he says, grinning against her hair. “All take-no-prisoners…”  
  
          She blinks. He hasn’t? Well, no, he wouldn’t have, would he?  
  
          A blanket of heat against her back, his hands go up and down her sides. Up. Down. She releases a pleased sigh and allows herself to relax for the first time since realizing this plan was actually going to happen. Kaien can never know, but she sided with Kukakuu and against Ukitake on this one. He spent so many years in Hueco Mundo, and she’s only just brought him back. To take him out of Soul Society again, away from his family, so soon after…  
  
          Rukia gasps as Kaien’s hand slips between her legs, and all doubts and worries get temporarily pushed away. “I always knew you had it in you,” he murmurs, biting down on her earlobe.  
  
          Did he? She warms at the thought, and then she warms for an entirely different reason.  


 

*   *   *

  
          Ichigo’s window is already open when she arrives.  
  
          Rukia slips easily through the window and glances around the empty room. He must not be home yet from school. She wonders why he would leave his window open.  
  
          While she waits for Ichigo to return, she contentedly snoops through his things. The picture hasn’t changed much, and the nostalgia tastes sweet. She runs her hands over his books, touches the bedspread, and opens the closet and inhales the familiar scent. This room feels like home. She wonders if it always will.  
  
          By the time she hears his footsteps coming down the hall, Rukia has finished her investigation and waits sitting on his bed. He’s yelling something over his shoulder to Yuzu as he comes in, so he doesn’t notice her immediately.  
  
          “Ichigo.”  
  
          Startled, he whips around toward her voice. “Gah!” Ichigo blinks several times at her, as if expecting her to disappear. “Rukia.”  
  
          It’s almost strange to see him wearing his school uniform again. He looks tired, she thinks. She hopes that weariness comes only from a long day at school.  
  
          Ichigo glances at the open window. “Did you…?”  
  
          “Yes.”  
  
          “Oh.”  
  
          They stare at each other.  
  
          Ichigo scratches his head awkwardly. “So… You’re back.”  
  
          “And you’re somehow still in one piece.”  
  
          Ichigo snorts. “Of course,” he says with an echo of old cockiness. Rukia feels herself smile. That’s more like it.  
  
          “How’s school?”  
  
          He looks at her as if she’s lost her mind, and the expression is so reminiscent of the same look Kaien gave her just hours earlier that she can barely stand it. "It's fine. It's _school_."  
  
          “And your family?”  
  
          “Fine.”  
  
          He seemed so relieved to see her in Hueco Mundo. Her heart pounded all the way from Urahara’s, but now that the time’s come for another reunion, she feels tongue-tied and uneasy. Something feels off. She almost wishes he would do something stupid so she would have the excuse to break the ice by kicking him in the face.  
  
          “Your friends—?”  
  
          “They’re _fine_ , Rukia!” he snaps. “Everyone’s fine!”  
  
          Her eyes narrow as she rethinks that kick. “Renji’s here, too, by the way.”  
  
          “What? Why?”  
  
          “What do you mean ‘why’? None of your business why.”  
  
          It could be her imagination, but she thinks she sees relief in his eyes before it disappears behind a grumpy scowl. “Well, he can’t stay here. Just seeing him in our house would give Yuzu a heart attack.”  
  
          With those eyebrows, she doesn’t doubt it. “That won’t be a problem because we’re staying at Urahara’s.”  
  
          His eyes widen. “We? You’re staying there, too?”  
  
          “That’s what I just said.”  
  
          “Why?”  
  
          Misreading her hesitation, Ichigo quickly says, “Whatever. Not like I care. It’s just that my sisters think you’re visiting relatives in Okinawa. So if you’re gonna be hanging around here, then make sure they don’t see you.”  
  
          Rukia experiences a pain of longing for her little bed in Yuzu and Karin’s room. There’s a heart that beats in this house, and it was nice to feel like a part of it even if only for a short time. But staying here isn’t an option this time, so she pushes the feeling away.  
  
          Clearly unable to help himself, he adds, “And you were the one who was all ‘I can’t sleep anywhere else, blah, blah.’”  
  
          Rukia struggles for patience to avoid aiming for a sensitive area. That isn’t how she wants to broach this topic. “Ichigo… something’s happened. No, nothing bad,” she says when he immediately tenses. “This is… something good.”  
  
          The threat erased, Ichigo immediately relaxes. He drops into his desk chair and starts unpacking his school bag. “Oh, yeah?” She tries not to look longingly at his textbooks.  
  
          Rukia takes a deep, preparing breath before saying, “In Hueco Mundo, I found—”  
  
          “Is this about your old vice-captain?”  
  
          The floor falls out from under her. Ichigo isn’t really looking at her, so she can’t read his face. “How…?”  
  
          “Yoruichi-san told me.”  
  
          It takes several seconds for that to sink in. “But how did she know?” Rukia doesn’t mean to sound so indignant. She really doesn’t.  
  
          Ichigo shrugs. “She’s friends with Kukakuu-san.”  
  
          “Oh. Then, you know Kaien-dono is—”  
  
          “Her brother? Yeah.”  
  
          That wasn’t what she was going to say, but she realizes she doesn’t really know what she was actually going to say.  
  
          “I didn’t realize you were so plugged into the Soul Society gossip mill,” she says dryly.  
  
          Ichigo’s face flushes bright red. “Shut up! I’m _not_! She only told me because— Oh, forget it.”  
  
          “Uh-huh.”  
  
          Her grin fades as Ichigo’s expression becomes serious again. “He was an espada, right?”  
  
          Without ever consciously thinking about it, Rukia realizes in this instant that she didn’t want Ichigo to know. Though, there’s no logical way she could have kept that detail to herself or even really a reason to keep it from him. Still.  
  
          “Yes,” she says reluctantly. “He was. But he wasn’t in control of himself. He’s… better now.” The words feel disingenuous, but Ichigo doesn’t need to know everything.  
  
          “Because of you?”  
  
          She’s startled into meeting his eyes. “What?”  
  
          His expression is unreadable. “Yoruichi-san said he tried to fight you, but you helped him remember who he was or something.”  
  
          It’s an abbreviated version of the truth, but then Yoruichi wasn’t there. She probably doesn’t know that Aaroniero stabbed a released Nejibana through her body, and she certainly couldn’t know that Rukia gave up and lost her will to ever lift her blade against his face again. No one need ever know that, especially not Ichigo, whom she promised to return to after the battles were finished.  
  
          Now, she’s the one not looking at him. “I suppose.”  
  
          There’s obviously something else he wants to say, and Rukia holds her breath as she waits. She doesn't like the idea of him, after everything they've been through together, being unable to tell her anything. Then again, she's hardly in a position to make that judgment.  
  
          Oh.  
  
          Of course. She wondered why this felt so off, and now she knows. They feel off because _she's_ off. There are things she can't-- _won't_ \-- say, and they stand between them as physically present in the room as she is.  
  
          “I’m… happy for you,” he says finally, staring somewhere over her head. “People don’t come back from the dead every day.”  
  
          Rukia suddenly understands, and her heart aches for him. What wouldn’t Ichigo do to have his mother back?  
  
          “No,” she says gently. “They don’t. Ichigo—”  
  
          “I figured something must have been up over there when you didn’t come back.”  
  
          Guilt starts creeping up on her, though she doesn’t think he intends for that to happen. Of course she would have come back— eventually. She’ll always come back. She would have returned to his side immediately after Hueco Mundo, but Kaien needed her more.  
  
          _You wouldn't have come back at all if Kaien-dono had really wanted your head_ , whispers a traitorous voice that she instantly shoves away.  
  
          Rukia hadn’t considered that Ichigo would be waiting for her.  
  
          After that speech about nakama and scolding him for not waiting for her, maybe she should have.  
  
          “I’m back now,” she says quietly, hoping he’ll hear all the things she doesn’t say— the apologies and the reassurances.  
  
          “Yeah, why is that?”  
  
          She cringes. So much for understanding. “Ichigo—”  
  
          “I mean, are you back for good?”  
  
          He speaks casually, but the question feels weighed down by a subtext. Or maybe she’s just projecting out of guilt.  
  
          Rukia purposely unclenches her fists from his bedspread and smoothes down the edges of her dress. “The assignment’s just for a few months.”  
  
          “Oh.”  
  
          In an effort to relieve some of the tension she feels knotting up her back, Rukia brings them back to business. “What happened with Kurumadani-san?”  
  
          “Huh? Who?”  
  
          “The shinigami assigned to your town,” she says with a roll of her eyes. "My replacement."  
  
          “Oh. Him. What about him?”  
  
          “Ichigo, he reported that you were hindering his work here.”  
  
          He doesn’t look terribly concerned. “He did, huh?”  
  
          “Ichigo—”  
  
          “What was he even doing here, Rukia?” He already sounds irritated with the subject.  
  
          “What do you mean?”  
  
          “I mean _I’m_ here. And Ishida, Inoue, and Chad,” he adds with a touch of reluctance. “We don’t need that guy. He just got in the way.”  
  
          Stung, Rukia stares at him. “You’re saying… you don’t need Soul Society?”  
  
          She should have seen this coming. He’s so much stronger now than when they first began their partnership. It’s only been a matter of time before he would outgrow her. She just didn’t think it would be so soon.  
  
          Some of what she’s thinking must be showing on her face, because Ichigo winces. “That’s not what I meant.”  
  
          “Isn’t it?” she says icily.  
  
          “Rukia…”  
  
          She stands abruptly, cutting him off. “Well, Soul Society isn't finished with _you_. Not yet. And there’s one last thing.”  
  
          “What?” he asks warily.  
  
          “It’s not just Renji and me. I also brought Kaien-dono.”  
  
          Now, he really looks confused. “But why—?”  
  
          He stops at her harsh look.  
  
          Rukia hefts herself up onto the windowsill and says over her shoulder, “Starting tomorrow, you’re going to start training with him.”  


 

*   *   *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to the Bleach Official Bootleg, Kaien's favorite food really is ohagi.


End file.
